Back in the Saddle Again

It has been FOR-evah since I've even bothered posting on this particular blog.
Really? It's mostly cause I've been a supreme slacker in every generic area pertaining to weight loss.

I've been eating what ever it is I feel like eating.
I've been NOT working out.  Not even a little bit.

And I've gained more weight that I've wanted, but certainly not as much weight as I've deserved to gain.

Once I figure out how to change that ticker- I will- but for now I'm laying it out in total honesty (and humility) and saying that I'm now at 209.  Two-Oh-Nine.  Yuck.  Gross.  DANG!!!

I'm not back in the saddle of hCG.  I never went through with the other round.  The order fell through, and I never pursued it again.
I'm not on some diet, or diet pill, or anything like that.

I'm (gasp!!!) EXERCISING!!!


That's right.  Getting' physical!


Starting out- I'm at Taekwondo classes 3x per week.  An hour per class.
(Sore buns and achy muscles are free with membership.)

I have felt great and terrible all at the same time!!  Pain.  Really- this chick is limping around like an old lady, and more often than not, I've envisioned myself buying a cane.

After my first class- no kidding- my eyebrows hurt (along with my rump and my thighs and my abs and my toes).
It's getting.... not easier?.... um... more tolerable.... now that I'm 6 classes in.  I feel better (mentally) already!


I've learned how to suck up  'hot water only' sessions in the shower, having the water fall on my shoulders, my back, and my bootie.  It hurts, but afterwards, my muscles are soooo loose and not as achy- so I stretch, and I've found quite a bit of relief using that method.  Crazy, I know- but Mama ain't got no hot-tub, so we do what we can, with what we have......

Next up, now what I've done, but what I'm gonna be doing- I'm going back to my favoritest place EVER.  Our local YMCA.   I'll be focusing on my cardio more there- since Taekwondo has proven to work my muscle groups supremely well.  Zumba classes- I'm sooo excited about taking those.  My long-lost friend the Elyptical... can't wait to put my earbuds in and go to town with 'her'.  More so- I can't wait to give my 3 year old something to 'do' during the week while I 'do' my thing.  She gets to meet and play with new friends, I get to zone out and cardio-whip my butt into shape.  It's a totaly win-win.

So.  That's what's up over here.  I'm working out.  I'm in love and in hate with it.
And why am I doing this??  Why now? Why take (almost) a year off and then get back to it?
Oh.
Ya.
Hmmmm....
Probably cause I'm gonna hit the big 3-0 in 4 months.  And THIRTY is the "hold onto your fat" age.  It's the "you wanna lose weight?  TOOOO BAD!!!!!" age.  Once you hit 30, health and wellness doubles in difficulty.

Hear me out.  I may as well call myself 30.  My body is probably already there- in the 'hold onto it' mode.  BUT!?!  I remember a few years ago when I said (big mouth that I am) " I wanna get in the best shape possible before I'm 30..... "
Ya.  I forgot about that little proclamation.  4 months? Not a realistic time frame to get 'in the best shape EVER'.  But? It's a start, and that's where I'm at.

I'm starting.  I'm in the saddle.  I may never run the horse in a race, but BY GOLLY-JEEPERS- I'm gonna take that thang around the track!

'Bout to Get on that Wagon

I've been off the wagon.    And I feel like I've fallen off a high speed 12 horse wagon at that!

It's so gross to binge and gain weight after feeling so refreshed  and clean from NOT overeating AND losing weight.  So?  This is why I haven't been blogging any weight loss.  I haven't had any weight loss- still.  Just weight gain.  And have I mentioned how gross I feel?

HCG, as I've said before- is making it's way back into my life.  I'm patiently waiting on it to get here.  I was gonna have to wait a lot longer, but my sweet friend that ordered it for me before made another order- and I'm blessed to be able to sit in on her order this time around (again).

I am not seeking the skinny jeans.  I'm seeking RELIEF.  So... this is it.  I'm just hanging out- waiting on the arrival, and waiting on the "FUN" to begin.  I have much MUCH much more determination this go 'round.

40 days.  40.  I will complete the ENTIRE 40 days.

Do What Works

Since bowing out of my first round (with hCG in my corner)- I have been in constant turmoil over how to continue losing weight with out having to depend on ANY supplement to help me out.

As I've noted before- I tried going to a Weight Loss Clinic initially (about a year ago?) to lose some extra baggage.  It wasn't that great- taking Phentermine to reduce my appetite.  Aside from the fact that I was a jitter-bug on the medicine; I was also lethargic when I didn't take it.  The medication did NOT control my habits- it very simply made me forget that I really loved food.  If I happened to be at a place that reminded me that I was missing out on my favorite past-time- I'd partake; hungry or not.

hCG was opposite of Phentermine.  I was hungry--- MOST of the time--- and constantly reminded how much I loved food.  I very simply HAD to use self-control.  With that- I saw definite results.  Real results.   And this is the key: Doing what works.  Learning how to eat for nourishment rather than pleasure.  In a sense- I've got to retrain myself.  So- hCG isn't a miracle drug like most have said.  It's a training mechanism for those of us who were never taught how to use self-control.

I'm getting ready to place an order for a full 40 day round of hCG.  I feel the need to complete my initial goal of getting through a 40 day journey in order to truly attain ultimate self-control.  There are also a few key points I failed to realize 'last-go-round'.  A.  I was drinking carbonated beverages to try to lessen my  huger pangs and get more doses of caffeine because I was so-so-so-very tired!  They were sugar-free, but full of toxins.

 I also feel confident that I have some sort of  underlying b12 deficiency- and though while I was taking b12 with my sublingual doses of hCG, I don't feel as though it was nearly enough.  I plan to supplement with injections if my doctor will allow it.  If not- I found a really awesome supplement that my sister and I are totally hooked on.  One energy shot contains 8333% of B12 and 2000% of B6.

One of the harshest obstacles before was how totally and completely exhausted I was.  I don't wanna be so 'out of it' when I try again next month.

 I want to be thinner- and as it stands- what works for me to even get close to my goal has been hCG.

 I'm a very average lookin' gal.  Not much to look at... though unique in my appearance. I often wonder (when I notice folks staring at me)  if I look really weird to most people?  It seems as if I am self-conscience- but I'm not really so much.     I'm comfortable with myself- and I'm thankful for that.  BUT!  I want to be thinner.  

 Weird looking or not- I like myself...... and my ultimate goal is to get a little more comfortable with "me"   ;-)

Out of Order

Yikes.
I've been awful and not blogging.
Hold on while I pull out my page full of excuses.

Exhausted ME
Yucky feeling kids- ( is 1:00 AM and/or 3:00 AM the general  time that a random high fever must show up?)
Re-organization of (almost) every part of my life!
10 year marriage anniversary on the horizon.
Family concerns
 --------- apparently the remainder of my list was used to wad up a piece of chewed gum------- but you get the idea.  I could list a page full.

Mostly.  Really.  I have nothing 'weight-loss' related to talk about.
I haven't lost any weight.  Haven't gained any.  I haven't battled (much) with it.  I think I bowed out of the power-struggle between myself (the one that likes to eat) and the self that really wants to NOT be fat.  The former of myself won (for now).  Soon enough- I'll be ready to fight the good fight... and finish the race!

hCG is the WAY to go.... to get off the excess chub.  I will try it again in the spring.  It's a great option for people like me that just don't have the brain-function-ability to use self control in my day to day's efforts of losing weight.

On a sweet note- my baby sister had her first born today (tonight).  A sweet baby girl.... and I'm emotionally drained and have been experiencing physical drainage the better part of the day (2 year old.  Fever.  1 AM.  No sleep.)

I'm pretty much short staffed right now- I had a lot of brain cells call in "DEAD" today- and yesterday.  Can't focus.   Lah-tee-dah.

Another Day ONE {Loser}

"What a LOSER!"

That was my thought as I recalled how STUPID I am when it comes to unconscience food-to-mouth choices.  This morning, for example, for absolutely NO good reason at all- I ate 3 of those fried-mozzerella sticks for a brunch.  (I skipped breakfast.  Wasn't hungry.)  And- as I was signing into my blogger- wondering just 'what I'd write about' today- the thought crossed my mind to force myself to (b)Log my foods eaten through out the day.

I log onto this-here laptop about 10 to 15 times every day.  Checking the weather.  Facebook.   Checking my email.  Blogging.  Reading Blogs.  Facebook.  Google-ing questions my kids ask me.  Posting a status on Facebook (about the hilarious things my kids say)...... and so on.

My point.  I can just log in.  Log my foods.  Get accountable to the amazing  {weight} 'LOSERS' that I read every day.  I never knew how incredible a community could be!

Anyway.  Here goes DAY ONE.

Breakfast:
Coffee (with milk) 7:45 Am
Coffee (with milk) 8:30 Am
Coffee (with milk) 9:15 Am

What?!  I needed a LOT of coffee this morning!!

BLunch
3 Fried Mozzerella Sticks (I am an IDIOT!) (10:30 AM)
Roasted Red Pepper Hummus w/ pretzel crisp (11:00 AM)
*could I please get away from the wheat sometime soon?  seriously!*


Ya.  Writing this stuff down rocks.  I can totally see where my food choices are.

Oh!!  P.S.  Say hello to T.O.M.  Dark Chocolate will likely be on the menu at some point today.  I also really need to incorporate a few gallons of water to wash away some of this bloating.

I've been neglecting my water bottle lately.  I sure would like to NOT do that anymore.  Water is so important.  I know this.  (You know this!)

It's like Paul said:  "I DO the things I DO NOT want to do.... and I DO NOT do the things I DO WANT to do!"

Uncertain Movement

Really.  It's been up and down for the past few days.  The scale.  My thoughts.  My goals?  What's GOING ON?!?!

(Knock. Knock.  T.O.M???  Is that you?  You might be a little early.... could you come back NEVER.  I hate you the most.  You're evil.  Go away!)

I should have just kept pressing on.  I should have gone the full course and pushed through the challenge I was facing when I quit the hCG.  I wasn't yet recovered from my food addiction.  I  need another detox.  I need another session of "Hello, My name is....... and I'm an addict."  I need that podium to stand on and admit my addiction.  I need the floor, please.

Ahem.

"Hello.  My name is Amber.  And I am addicted to food."

"When I eat, it's a painful awareness that I may  not be able to stop myself."

"Not having  a guideline and a plan takes me to an out of control place.  I am overwhelmed with options.  I over indulge.  And then.  I have guilt."

"I want to quit.  I want to stake claim to my once-before-announced goal to NEVER again eat wheat.  (I always feel lethargic and gross after eating it.)  And staying away from sugar. (I can't control myself- it's best to stay away all together)

"Without  a guideline.  A lifetime guideline, that is.  With out it- I am setting myself up for failure."

"Eat when your hungry.  Stop when your satisied."  It's the Weigh Down way.  But I find fear and nervousness rising up when I attempt this.  "Wait?!  Am I satisfied?  Am I hungry???"  The truth is- I have no idea!

hCG gave me a hope- in a sense- to overcome my addiction to food.  I failed myself when I gave up half way through it.  I KNEW better!!!!   I really did.  I comprehended that THIS WAS my 'road to recovery'.  It was.  I was almost finished being addicted to food.  And I gave it all up.

What do people do when they drop out of their Addicts Anonymous class?  How do they start over again!?!

Dirty Rotten Stinkin CHUB

I had to FORCE myself to change my ticker.  From 196.6..... back to 199.  Oh! THE PAIN!

Yesterday I had a Jay Robb protein shake.  I sat at Chick Fil A for 2 hours (thanks CFA for your WiFi).... and I ate NOTHING.  I drank 3 cups of coffee- but?- I avoided the waffle fries.  I said No Thanks to the Grilled Chicken sandwich.  I didn't even order a salad- because I knew I'd just have to drench the salad in ceasar dressing.  Mmmmm.  Ceasar!!

 Success!  Yay!

I came home and ate an apple.
 
For dinner- I cooked fajita steak, peppers, onions, and pico de gillo.  It was scrumptious!  (I added pepper-jack cheese: doing the low carb deal- but it was still FAT)
And later for a snack, I had a ham and cheese-wich.  Ham. Rolled up in mozzerella.  Eaten like a sandwich.  Pretty good.  But?  Too much fat.

Sigh!

2.4 pounds GAINED in the past 3 days.

So far today- I've had coffee.  And water.  And an apple.  With peanut butter.

I am going to STOMP the fat right outta my belly DANG-it!

I have a friend currently focusing on the Weigh Down Diet.  I am awesomely excited that on my bookshelf, I too have the book that could help me battle the scale a bit more efficiently.

I talked to my husband last night about maybe investing in the Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet .  He said "NO!"  He continued with the thought that if I were to want to do a 'diet' I should do one that is FREE.    I should also add that the day I told him I was putting the hCG on the back burner- he looked frustrated!  "You don't want to gain all the weight you lost back!!!!!!"  (it was more that he was frustrated to see my hard work get lost than the idea of me gaining weight)

I mean?  The hCG cost me almost nothing.  Through the avenues I was able to use to attain the hCG, it cost me a MERE 20 bucks every 2 weeks.   Less than what I've had spent going out to eat in a 2 week period,   THAT's FOR SURE!

The Cookie Diet?  HA!  It cost $60+ a WEEK!!!!!   Diet pills?  After the initial $200 fee, it cost $89 a month.  PLUS- phentermine makes me way too hyped up- I can't do that again.

Knowing myself- I know I need a system.  THAT is one of the reasons hCG worked so well.  I had to eat ONLY specific amounts of food.  ONLY a certain kind of food.  I think I may have compared it once or twice to a prison sentence.

At this point- I'm doing low carb.  I'm gonna read the Weigh Down diet book.  I'm gonna drink my protein shakes and start getting to the gym.  Like I said before- I'm so excited to get to work out.  I'm excited to see my muscles pop back into my arms and legs.  Going to the gym is satisfying in a grueling sort of way.  I felt great during the time  period that I was busting-it doing 2 hour sessions of gym-time.  I hurt.  I was tired.  I had to peel myself out of the house to get to the gym... but it was very satisfying.  Very.

Life is CRAZY!!!!!!

Sunday was my official last day on the VLCD.

Life got to me.  There are so many chaotic things that happen in the life of a mom- the one that has 3 kids- those kids being YOUNG- and at home- and home educated, and I've not mentioned the trials and tribulations of marriage.

So.  Life got me.  I had to 'prioritize' and refocus.   What is going to make my 'life' work?  Being exhausted and incapable of full-functionability?  Nah!!!  That certainly hasn't been working for me.  I mean?  I lost 17 pounds.... it worked the scale down... but that's not all that matters, is it?

I  had full intentions of carrying out the 40 day journey.  But it was like- I woke up this morning, and I had nothing left.  Nothing.

It has been the roughest journey- but I must admit; I have enjoyed the self-controlled process on the path I've been on.  I look forward to getting into a work out routine.  I look forward to PROTEIN in mass quantities.  That's gonna feel great!  I look forward to continuing to use self-control (tomorrow) and making wise choices for what I put in my body.

Let me be honest, now.  I didn't carry out phase 2 today.  I just 'went' with it.  No excuses:  Sure!  I had a busy day and I had not prepared myself for phase 2- but I coulda made it work.  I just didn't!  I had soup (potato, bacon, red pepper, and gouda stuff from this little coffee place)  I secretly wished I had just eaten my apple and drank my water.  I felt 'dirty'.

And when I got home after a gruelingly long day of errands- my husband had ordered pizza.  2 pieces of Chicken, Pineapple, and Bacon, I ate.  And I was wishing I had just sucked it up and had 4 oz of cottage cheese instead.

And for dinner- I did FULLY intend on just NOT eating anything- maybe an apple if I needed to?  But I had a ham and cheese on 9 grain organic wheat bread instead.  *bangs head* Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!!!

Tomorrow is a new day.  I feel like crap right now.  Pizza?  Ugh!  Barf.  What was I thinking?!?!
 I still need to focus on the fact that wheat/gluten is my enemy and I need to keep it far away from me!

I'm not totally giving up on hCG.  I really am NOT.  There is a lot of satisfaction in being required to abstain from the "regular-world-life-of-FOOD" {consumption}.  Maybe I'll call this my "interruption?" I just have to get back on the wagon when I can focus more clearly on it.

 I intend on being a hard-core calorie counter (tomorrow). I also intend on being rid of wheat/gluten, starches, and sugars for the remainder of my 'interruption'.

As a side note- at the mention of sugar- can I just announce that it is amazing that I've not craved the FIRST cookie.  Or brownie!  Or ice cream?  Or choco... oh wait! I did feel my mouth water a little bit at the thought of chocolate.....  but I shan't give in.

Tomorrow is a new day.  (have I said that? ......)  I'll begin again, minus hCG, but PLUS a new outlook on food and my attachment (or lack-there-of) to it.  Calories will be counted.  Food WILL be totally healthy.  I WILL be logging (on here- God help me) what I eat.  I will maintain a feeling of accountability.

...........sigh........... WHY! Oh WHY! Did I eat that pizza?!?!?!  I feel it molding itself to my belly.

VLCD Day 20

Weighing in @ 196.6 (down 1.4)

Geesh.  I guess that "tea" really helped out.  Thank, GOD!

Total loss:  Seventeen Point Four Pounds.

It's Saturday.  No blogging for me.

(P.S. I don't hate this protocol.... as much.)

VLCD Day 19

I made it this far!!!!  Whooo Hooo!!!  Almost to the Half-Way Point.

The scale is still being a stubborn 'ass'.  It won't move.  Even when I kick it.  Stupid thing.

I drank a double dose of my special ''make you go'' tea last night, too!  So far- all I've gotten was intense 'labor pains'.  I know- this is sooo much information.  Especially for a public blog.  But?  What-EVA!

Not a whole lot to speak of this morning.  I'm certainly not as consumed in the protocol like I was 2 weeks ago. I'm just kinda hanging out.... waiting for my time to be up.  It's like jail.  My sentence is almost over!

My husband and  I will celebrate 10 years of wedded chaos bliss on March 3.  My hope is to be done with the Very Low Calorie Diet and move on to the 3 weeks of 'no sugar- no starch' phase before the weekend of the 26th.  This puts me at around the 35 day mark on VLCD (I think?)

But!  I just don't know if that's the right thing (whine whine whine).  Previous blog-postings admitted to me hoping to make it through the 40 day trial- because I believe 40 is not just a random number chosen to be on the protocol.  I believe 40 is a great representation through out the entire Bible that when faced through a trial, mostly, the heart of it is in that 40 days/years.

  I don't know if I can actually explain it well enough to make sense... but everytime I think about going off the protocol earlier than 40 full days- I feel guilt.  I won't be in trouble by anybody.  Nope.  I won't be doing anything wrong.  I just feel like I'm suppose to endure the full 40 days!!  Even if it means not being able to celebrate our anniversary on anything more than grilled chicken and lettuce.

I'm going to go back and count my calendar days- just to be sure I'm on track with how many days I've been doing this thing.  More to come later..
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VLCD Day 18

Happy Birthday to Me....  Happy Birthday tooooooooooooooooooo MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

And it HAS been pretty happy, too!

I just hung out with my girly-girls.  Watched "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs" snuggled on the couch while the girls ate their cereal like popcorn at 7:30 AM.  (It's a cute movie.  Actually, it's really hilarious! But- for someone not able to eat very much 'real' food- it can create false hunger-pangs.  It was raining hamburgers and snowing ice cream and my brain was struggling to convince my belly that I was- IN FACT- not hungry!)

No weight loss to speak of.  I keep asking myself if I am ever going to go number 2 again???  Drinking the right kind of tea (with Senna) and plenty of water should have done the trick by now.  It's been 3 days for goodness sake!  So- I guess once I 'go' I'll see a happier number on the scale.

VLCD Day 17

I found out last night that my blood pressure is getting *low*.  I've always stayed at the 120/80 mark, sometimes at the 117/78 mark... but really have maintained a super awesome blood pressure for all of my life. (Um?  Sans the end of my pregnancies- when I jumped up a few notches because I was... PREGNANT!)

I went to Kroger- to get more food- and saw the little BP machine.  Stuck my arm in it- pushed the green button, and waited for it to squeeze the blood out of my arm.  I was tired (read yesterday's post)  and didn't pay too much attention to the discomfort.  And then- I woke up.  117/63 ?????  What?!?!  How is that?  Did it again.  Still low on the diastolic.  Average for the systolic.  Hmmm.  Is that bad?

I'm turning to the Google doctor to tell me what it means:

Systolic blood pressure for most healthy adults falls between 90 and 120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg). Normal diastolic blood pressure falls between 60 and 80 mm Hg. Current guidelines define normal blood pressure as lower than 120/80.


Ok- this means I'm normal.  Sweet!

VLCD Day 16

Time sure has flown by.  I feel like I've been on this thing forever.  Then again- I felt like I was pregnant FORever (when I was pregnant, 3 times, for 40 weeks- each time!).

I lost another 0.6.

This morning I had a lot of work to do in our house.  I had to do something productive.  Slacking off because I've been too tired is not on my list of options (anymore).  So?  I worked.  I moved stuff around- I rearranged to make the teeny-tininess of our abode more functional.  And- I wiped my self out.  I don't even wanna talk about how terrible it was- so I won't.  I'm just gonna leave it at this:

I'm gonna do it.  I'm gonna finish this thing.

VLCD Day 15

199. EVEN!

Previous 214.
Total (WHOO HOO!) 15 pounds lost.


At first, I woke up this morning and the scale said 199.8.  "Same Ol Same Ol".  But?  I noticed that my fingers were really swollen, and they were a bit achy.  "Water!"  So- I had some water.  Peed.  And weighed myself again.  Phew!  199.  Sweet!

I felt good this morning, too.  Really good.

My 3 Amigas and I decided to ditch the house for the day and we went to the YMCA (my gym- their 'play place'.)  I sat in the Chapel Room, lights turned off, and I wrote.  I listened to the awesome arrangement of music I had on my mp3 player.  And I wrote.  I sat still.  I did nothing.  I thought quietly, with out interruption.... and I wrote.  It was sweet.

And then!  I did something I was warned NOT to do.  I 'worked out'.  Just for a little while.  I was careful.  I hopped on the Elyptical, and I made myself take it (sorta) slow.  20 minutes.  That's all.

Ah!   I've missed the Y.  I've missed the time I so truly enjoyed ignoring the world around me, music in my ears, not pulled into so many different directions and needs.  My girls were in great hands; so was I!

Afterward, we headed home.  I was super duper hungry.  My apple was LONG gone.  *LIGHT BULB*  I can eat mexican food.  As long as they can tweak it for me, right?  Yup.  That's right.  We went to El Som, and I was so happy to have pushed the basket of chips in front of the kids while I patiently waited on my water (with lemon). I ordered a 1/2 order of chicken fajita nachos.  Cheese on the side.  Chips on the side.  Which left me with a plate of grilled chicken, peppers, onions, and tomatoes.  Mmmmm!!  My girls ate their quesadillas and burritos, their chips, and the cheese dip.  They LOVED it.  And so did I.  (the only bummer was the inability to measure out the precise weight of the chicken- but!- it was a half order.  I guesstimated that it was fine.

It is still hard feeding my kids breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks- and forcing myself not to munch on their food as I'm preparing it.  But- I'm getting to the point that I have less and less of a struggle.

Today was good.  Hoping for a better tomorrow!

VLCD Day 14 *Goodbye 200*

199.8
Total loss = 14.2 pounds

A letter to my Self-Sabotage (self) from my Self-Controlled (self)

You've reached an important milestone.  You're under 200 pounds.  

This is a milestone not easily attained, and here you are, at it again (for the 2nd time).  

We both know what happened a few days ago when we reached this goal- 

and we both know how terrible we felt when you let it slip away.  

You can't be trusted, so I'm taking over.  

No more excuses! 

 For the rest of our life- we WILL stay under the 200 pound mark.  

I personally enjoy the benefits from having a slimmer body, 

and I would like to work toward seeing the scale drop lower and lower.  

There will be no more sabotages.  You're out of the game. 

 Pack your bags- I'm through with you.  It's Self-Control the rest of the way.  

Adios for EVER!

________________________________________________

Yesterday my little sister and I went to our baby sister's Baby Shower.  During the 30+ minute drive down there, I had to smell my little sister's McDonald's left-overs, her Flipz Pretzels, and I gazed at the package of cashews she had in the console.  They (the cashews) were all but sticking their tongue out at my taunting "nanny-nanny-boo-boo-you-can't-eat-me"!  

I had a protein shake (Jay Robb).  It wasn't scrumptious.  I chugged it super fast.  Maybe it's an aquired taste?  Either way- it's my option for working toward not being miserably sick and tired and whiney during this protocol.  (It helped!)  I was still hungry afterward.  

I drank my water.  

At the Shower, there were pizza rolls (croissants with pepperoni and mozzarella cheese) baking in the oven, filling the air with toxic fumes of deliciousness.  There were pigs in blanket.  Chips and Salsa.  A fruit bowl with watermelon, cantaloupe, and pineapple.  And there was cake!  

I drank my water.

I was in charge of cutting that cake.  Icing and cake remnants sticking to my fingers- waiting to be licked off when I was finished.

I washed my hands.  And....... drank. my. water.   I ate my apple.  (the one I brought from home- the one that saved me from eating my water cup)

When we were finished I went to Chick Fil A.  I had to explain to that poor little boy at the cashier station that I needed a salad- just lettuce- nothing else- and grilled chicken.  No more.  "What kind of dressing would you like?"  Nope.  Just lettuce.  Just Chicken.  I can't have anything else.  He was so confused.

It was super-duper yummy, too!  Best salad EVER.  Just lettuce.  Just chicken.  No dressing.  Still.... so VERY good!  I also ordered a large coffee, too.  (P.S. Coffee is the best appetite suppressant!  Black coffee.  No sugar/splenda/sweetner.  No milk/cream/lightener)

And at home- after we finally got back- I switched it up and ate cottage cheese for dinner.  1/2 cup.  Yes-oh-YES it was delicious!

And all of it payed off in a non-traditionally hCG diet way.  It worked for ME!   And I feel extra encouraged to keep working toward the slimmer-side rather than giving up and staying in the chub.

VLCD Day 12

Woke up this morning weighing 3 pounds more than I did the day before...

2-0-3

I don't believe the scale, though.  It can not be possible to gain 3 pounds in one day- especially with the food that I ate.  I mean?  In order to put on ONE pound, one has to eat 3500 calories.  I don't even think I broke the 1500 calorie mark through out the entire day yesterday- cheese, peanut butter and all!!!

I don't like this protocol one-single-bit.  One pound per day is a sweet loss IF you can pull it off- and most people can.  But as I've said time and time again during these last 12 days- I FEEL LIKE CRAP.  I feel awful.  I miss being able to clean my house and not fee like I'm going to DIE afterward.

A lot of people feel great during the process.  Really-Truly.  I think I may be one of the very few that respond poorly.  It may be that I have 3 kids that I chase around day in and day out.  It may be that I'm a total wimpy wimp-WIMP.  Who knows?

I read a blogger that said she was going to a clinic- and the clinic had her on a 500 calorie diet PLUS a protein shake 3 times per day.   Hmmmm....  PROTEIN; or the lack there of-  may really be what's freaking my body out.

I'm either going to give up all together, because being skinny isn't worth what I've been feeling   OR  I am going to try the protein shake method.  I found an Egg White protein by Jay Robb that is all completely natural, ONLY 120 calories... added potassium and 24 grams of protein.  I may try it.  

VLCD Day 11.... *Sick*

Weighing in (back) at 200.6 lbs.

I don't even know where I'm at on the weight loss schedule.   I don't even know that I'm accurate on the "day" I'm on.  It's all confusing at this point.

 Today- of all days- of ALL times..... TODAY I got sick.  Layed up.  Can't move.  Fever.  Harshly SICK!

So?  What did I do- to try to feel better?  Ah HA!  You guessed it.  I ate.  Food.  Real food.  NOT v.l.c. food. NOT hcg friendly food.  I ate food.  Peanut butter.  Cheese.  Food. Food. Food.

And, of course, it did NOT make me feel better- like I had hoped.  I was 'tricked' into thinking that NOT eating was why I was sick!!   Eating... sure....I got a bit more energy, which meant I was able to change a few diapers in-between my 'wipe-outs-on-the-couch'.  And I was all foggy in my brain, and feverish and pitiful.  But- eating didn't make me feel wholly better.

I slept in the bottom bunk in my girls' room- while they were supposedly napping, too.  I slept on the couch while they played (fought, screamed, squealed, and tormented one another) in the play room.  I slept.  And drank water.  And ate food that I thought would perk me up more.  I had coffee.  I had tea.  I had a truck run me over, and then just for good sport- back up and run me over again. Oh- no, wait.  That didn't actually happen.  I felt like it did.   Oh?  What was I talking about again?  RIGHT!  Being sick.  foggy in my brain... and totally PITIFUL.   Whahhh.

Of all days to get sick.  Of all TIME periods to get sick.  This was just totally inconvenient for me.  Needing to get on and stay on track with this protocol- that's hard enough!!!!
But?  To add insult to painful injury;  Here in our part of the world- we had a winter weather advisory.  'Go stock up- you may be stuck at home for days...' said they.   Um?  Ya.  I couldn't do ANYTHING more than sleep, eat, and stumble through getting the girls taken care of.   Go? OUT?!!  Baah ha ha hahaha!  No.

I'm back tracked again.  Geeeesh!!!!   I hate this protocol a LOT.  IT's hard.  And it's likely I'm going to wake up in the morning weighing like 5 pounds more than I should.  I didn't actually eat that much food- but- I've heard horror stories of folks eating and then gaining a terrible amount of weight back 'cause the hCG is like a fat-soaker-upper.  And I had high fat foods, too.  Cheese.  Lord-have-mercy.  Cheese!!!!  That stuff's bad.

Oooh- if I'm not blogging for the next few days; assume one of the following:
* Power outage due to ice storm
*Still under that truck that ran me over
*I may be eating cheese- and peanut butter- and feel too ashamed to talk about it.

By the way.  This goes out to the  other Senna Tea drinkers:  Are you kidding me with the contraction-like-labor-pain after that tea kicks in?     Goodness.  Is that just me?

10 Day Sticker

It's been 10 days since I've had an 'emotional'-binge.  I've been 'clean' for 10 days.  No emotional eating.  (where's my stinkin' sticker at???)

And it's not been too terribly bad; until today!

Today- I wanted to eat cheese, and cereal, and gold fish crackers, and chocolate.... and cookies... and brownies.  I wanted to emotionally BINGE in an effort to PURGE out my confusion and..... well... my emotions.


So.  I did it.  And I'm documenting it.

I survived super-High emotions and made it  with out having ANY food for comfort.  

Take One. Fade to Black.  I'm sure there will be more to come- the battle continues.

VLCD Day 10 (Just Desserts)

I got my 'just desserts' this morning on the scale.

Did I mention I'm a self-sabotager?   201.6.  That's right.  Gain. 1.6 pounds.

From my cheat on Day 8.  I did fine yesterday.  No caloric cheating.  But the gain showed it's ugly face this morning.  I have no terrible concerns about it.  I know what I need to do to make it 'right'.  Lesson learned.

VLCD Day 9

Which one is it?   199.6?  200?  200.6?

Well?

.......The first 3 (three) times I weighed myself, the scale rang in at One-Ninety-Nine point Six.  199.6. doo dee doo 199.6  Whoo Hooo Hoo.

 And then the two year old came in the bathroom while I was weighing myself for the 4th time (Is that obsessive?) And the scale said 200.6.

 I know, right?!?!  Just adding a 2 year old to the room made me weigh more, huh?!?!   Nah.  She had put her hand on my leg trying to step on the scale, too.  It altered the scales reading.  Silly-Girl.

So my 5th weigh in said 200 even.  Psh.  How weird.  I should have just stuck with the first 3 times as my weight- but- after yesterday I was super skeptical that I actually lost anything at all.  EVEN if it was just 0.4 pounds.  

And I have to confess something else.  (Cringe!!!)  I caved last night and had a small bowl of cereal.  With milk.  AND a banana.  Ahhhh.  I was Praising Jesus the whole time.  This is the best food ever.  Ever!  I am so glad I did it, too.  I really am.  I was craving a banana in such a painful way.  I think I needed every extra nutrient.....  in every ounce of that bowl.  

The thing I feel the most guilty and ashamed of about yesterdays cheat is that piece of chicken sandwich I had.  It was made from bread.  I am not suppose to be having bread- PERIOD.  Even if I wasn't on this protocol, I have decided to ultimately stay away from gluten.  No gluten-  Limited Corn. Limited Rice.  So- I do,  for sure,  feel guilt about that.  My cereal was corn.  And oat.  Aaaaand banana!!

I honestly feel a zillion times better this morning, too.  This is a lesson to me.  If there is a HEALTHY food item that is creating a serious craving- I'm just going to go with it, moderately.

  I will do it- not expecting to lose as much (as fast)-  but I can't deprive my body of key nutrients either.  I'm in this protocol, fully-commited, but I'm not gonna be stupid and ignore my body.  I also realize that I am not being so great at fully consuming my veggies.  Cause like- my veggie options are a bit limited to my taste buds.  Spinach.  Celery.  Green Beans.  Cucumber.  That's it. I don't think I like anything other than those 4.

I also drank a whole-lotta water yesterday.  And herbal tea.  LOTS of herbal tea.

So- the official weigh in today??  I'm just gonna go with 200.  No loss.  I don't want to get discouraged if I wake up in the morning and find the scale is being stubborn just because I misjudged it's accuracy.

Cheater. Cheater. Peanut Butter Eater!

Like I said--- earlier today I was absolutely struggling.  Felt rough.  Bad mood.  Grumpy-Hungry-MESS!

It started with that smoothie.  That tasty, fulfilling, oh-so-not-hCG-friendly smoothie. It was as healthy as it could be- (yogurt, pineapple, peach, orange juice) and if I wasn't on this super strict protocol, I'd have given myself a pat-on-the-back for eating it (rather than a bagel or some other such high carb breakfast item)

The day continued to fall apart with exhaustion and then- a whole lot more exhaustion- and.....wimpy  snoooozing  is all I could think about.  That- and eating.  Sleep.  Eat.  Sleep.  Sleep.  I would have rather had sleep than anything!

I took an epsom salt and baking soda bath this afternoon;  and directly after that bath I was totally worthless.  I (just) barely made it to the couch where I totally fell out of awareness.  I didn't pass out- or like- go unconscience or anything- I was just 'out of it'.

In the midst of my la-la-land adventure my girls were upstairs, safe and sound, in their bedroom.  Safe and Sound?  Uh- maybe not the best choice of words.

 Our 2 year old climbed to the top bunk (monkey style with out the ladder) and I got word from our 6 year old that they couldn't get her (or her poopie diaper) down from the bed.

There was no choice.  I had to break free from my haven on the couch.  But?  I couldn't.  I had nothing to move me.  Nada.  I lay there a few more minutes.  And then I forced myself to sit up.  And then stand up.

I had to do it.  I had no choice.  I went to the fridge for an apple, and I got the peanut butter out, too.  "Mmmmmm!!!  Protein!!"  That's all I could think of.  Protein.  Protein.  Sustanance!! ( You know- since sleep wasn't an option)

I sat- on my recliner- with my sliced apples and peanut butter.  And I ate.  Ahhhh.  RELIEF!!  Thank You, GOD!  It was very soon after my yummy "pnb-cheat" that I perked up.  WE had to go to kindermusic, I had a monkey to rescue from a tree and a poopie diaper to change.  Time to move it and groove it, Mommy!!

And I did... I moved it and grooved it right along-with energy and ooomph, even!

I made it through that part of the day.  I was fine.  Phew!!

And then....I cheated again!  I had a part of a Chick-Fil-A sandwich when I grabbed my girls a bit of grub after our class.  Just a part of it.  A small part of it.  And I think I could have NOT had any of it, but I mean- I was still so painfully HUNGRY!

Here it is.  Almost 11:00.  And yep- you guessed it- I am still- SO VERY HUNGRY.  I want a banana.  Really really want a banana.  With some milk.  Protein, Potassium, and Fat.  That's what I'm hungry for right now.  Boo Hooo.  I hate being hungry.  It's depressing!

I think this hCG may not be workin for me.  I'm losing weight- sure- but HOLY MOLEY I am not feeling too swift in the process.  From everything I understand- it's not s'pose to be this hard (physically).

I still can't give up, though.  I have to stick it out.  It's what I decided to do.  I just need to figure out why the supplement isn't working right for me.... and keep the truck moving up hill.

I also realize- self sabotaging self that I am- that I may not break free from the 200 pound mark in the morning.  I don't think I'll have gained any weight- but I can't count on losing any either.   Then again- as growling as my poor belly is, I feel like I deserve to have lost SOMETHING.  


Cheaters Never Win... and Winners Never Cheat.  

VLCD Day 8

HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!    I'm on the big Two-Oh-Oh!!!!!

It's amazing.  Just one more pound and I will see the 'under 200' mark that I've not seen in over 7 years!!!

And of course- I know myself really really well.   I subconciously sabatoge myself anytime I get close to breaking free from 200 pounds.

This morning, for example- I was feeling ROUGH.  Super rough.
My ear hurts.  I have a tooth-ache.  My head hurts. I'm grumpy.  Just Grrrrrrr!!!

Eating a *&$% APPLE again for breakfast wasn't going to work- I'm not eating an apple for a few days.  I'm burnt out.....  Coffee wasn't making me happy, either.

I made my girls smoothies:  All Natural Yogurt, Frozen Peaches, Pineapple, Orange Juice.     It tasted like a yummy Cream-Cicle.  I had, er, I ate/drank/consumed/inhaled/scarfed-down....... (maybe) 4 ounces of the smoothie.  It was a cheat for SURE, but it wasn't a cookie- and it wasn't cheese.  It was a whole, all natural, super healthy replacement for that stankin' apple.

Is it possible that smoothie set me back a day or two from getting under 200?  Eh... maybe.  I doubt it, though.  Today's going to be an active day.  We have LOTS to do.  And I am going to be giving away all the calories (energy)  I get to have today- AND THEN some.

I'm already ready for bed- and it's only 9:30 AM.  How SAD!

........................................

VLCD Day 7

Two-OH-One.
Sweetness.  201.  Another pound gone.

How 'bout that?  I'm seeing the result of 13 pounds missing from my body, and it's very satisfying.

Eh.  I'm still a porker.... but?... a 13 pound LIGHTER porker- so I'm cool with it.  And my chub is distributing itself so nicely, and so balanced.

It's still hard.  And I'm still struggling with NOT eating other foods.  I wanted a cookie so bad this afternoon when I allowed the girls to polish off the last 4 of the cookies in the bag.  I only have 3 girls.  There was ONE left over.  Just one couldn't hurt me, right?  Wrong.  I managed to break that 4th cookie into third's so the girls  could share it.

My 6 year old is my little accountability partner- with out me even having to ask her to be.  When I told them they could have a cookie, she said "Who's going to get the last one?  You can't have it.  IT's sugar... AND it's wheat..."

And when I was eating lunch, she looked at my plate and asked "Is that meat made out of wheat or sugar?  Are you allowed to be eating that?"

I sliced a few pieces of cheese for the girls to have (yet another) snack, and walked around with that cheese in my hand- preparing to take  a bite.  LUCKILY I was on the phone, and I was waiting to take a bite of it for when I wasn't mid-conversation.  Just as I was bringing it to my mouth, I felt my hand pull away... "WHOA!!!" I almost eat a piece of cheese!  Ahhhh!!!  I still have to get used to this very limited diet.

Today's Foods:
Small Organic Apple
Laura's Lean Burger (grilled- 4 oz.)  I confess.  I had some organic ketchup, too. Yum.  It was good.
Pickle
Grilled Chicken topped with Salsa (tomatoes, garlic, pepper, acv, nothing else added)
Green Beans flavored with garlic
Clementine

I've still had a hard time drinking the water I'm suppose to drink through out the day.  I think I just forget to chug.  So- again- it's later on in the evening that I'm trying to compensate for my lack of focus in the H2O consumption.

On another note- this protocol allows for specific food in specific amounts.

I have had the hardest time with 'little beggars' during my meal time.  "Mommy- can I have that apple" (yes- the very apple I'm in the middle of eating- my answer is "uh- you JUST had an apple- this is my breakfast")  or  "Mommy- can you let me have just one piece of that clementine?"  "Mommy?  Can I have some chicken, too" (you already had lunch!!!)

 This was a problem before I started eating VLC, but I just used it as an excuse to help myself to 'seconds'.  "Well?  I didn't get to eat all of my dinner.  I had to share it.... I guess I'll have another piece of cake."

Golly-gee I'm hungry!

I keep telling myself  "Stick with it- that it's gonna be worth it."  And then I battle with my "other" self that says "No way 'Jose, there's no way you can do this another 31 days."

Every morning that I get on that scale and see another pound gone, I feel encouraged and ready to start another day's battle by the time I work my way into the kitchen and drink my super-dark-roasted black coffee.  (Which, by the way, did I mention I have 3 kids that keep me super crazy busy?  I almost NEVER get to finish a cup of coffee while it's still hot.  I miss those days.  Hot coffee.  There's not substitute.  Lukewarm doesn't really make the cut.)

So-  there's my Day 7.  I haven't been in love with this whole protocol aside from seeing the scale move- and if I discount the exhaustion and the headaches, and the hunger pangs, I'd say this was the awesomest diet EVER!

(P.S. I have heard tale that 'stay at home mom's have it much harder because they exert way more energy chasing around their little chit-lens (children for the non-southerner)'.

IF there is anyone reading this that feels discouraged by my whiney-whine, just consider that I am in a constant state of mental and physical exhaustion aside from being on the hcg protocol.  Hcg just makes it a little tougher cause I lack the extra 'pick me up'  from extra calories I was used to getting)









Avg. per day loss: 1.85 pounds

Beginning Weight: 214

Weight Today: 201

Day 2 Woes

This- I've not mentioned- is a 40 day journey.

Forty DAYS!

I'm so hungry right now.  I do, most definitely feel tired, and weak.

But- not in a "I'm dying" sort of way.  Just...a....trying to resist the temptation to gorge sort of way.....
Physically- I'm pretty  hungry.  It's true.  But, mentally, I'm so extremely painfully empty.

VLCD Day 6

202.
Lost 0.6  pounds.
Total Loss = 12 pounds
Avg: 2 pounds per day


Oh! today was so much easier than the last 5 days have been.  So.  So. SO much easier.  I wasn't hungry.  Nope.  I sure wasn't.  As-a-matter-of-fact I didn't even eat until 2:00!!  (that may be a 'no-no')

AND!  I went grocery shopping this morning- I walked all around beautiful scrumptious-looking food,  and totally  ignored every brownie, and every cookie, and every cake that reached out for me in the bakery (which is so unfairly placed right-beside the produce section).  I didn't even stop to smell.

We had friends over for dinner.  I made Grilled Salmon drizzled in olive oil and seasoned- Grilled Tilapia with lemon juice, pepper and garlic, garlic roasted potatoes, roasted corn on the cob smothered in butter, and green beans.  It smelled amazing.  I'm not sure exactly how the salmon, corn or potatoes tasted, but they were complimented, so I took their word for it.  ;0)

Today's Food:
Coffee.
More Coffee (at Kroger- they have a Starbucks built in, and I sipped on my joe as I loaded my cart)
Water
Small Organic Apple (2:00)
Tension Tamer Tea
Grilled Tilapia- more than 4 oz. (5:00) (flavored with garlic, lemon, and pepper)
Green Beans
Frozen Rasberries (organic)

Here's where I think I might need to make a note.  I missed my 'lunch time' meat portion and my lunch time veggie.  So I (not quite) doubled up on my fish tonight around 5:00 for dinner.   The green beans had a splash of olive oil in the water when I was cooking them, and I totally forgot about it until after I scarfed them down.  It was a super yummy meal.  I was happy.  I'm not going to fret about the olive oil, though.

I haven't quite had enough water for the day.  Unfortunately for me- I'm trying to chug the last 60 ounces right before bed time.  Not good.  Has anyone seen my catheter?

I was up til' 3 AM last night (er- this morning?).  I'm not digging this insomnia thing.  It's not from hCG, it was there before.  I'm still hoping this whole protocol puts me in a good over all balance with my sleep patterns.  Losing sleep on a 'Very Low Calorie Diet' makes for a grumpy butt in the morning.

Thanks Connie for the promises of an easier tomorrow during this time.  I need to cling to that!

Ahhhh.  Just one more day...... for the next 32 days.  I can do it.  I can do it.

VLCD 5

202.6 this morning.

Another pound gone....  whoop whoop!!  

It's not as satisfying as that first 5 pounds, or the other 3 pounds..... but I expected it to taper off to about pound-a-day at this point.  

Not eating that pizza last night was WORTH IT.  I had to 'talk to myself' over and over, "It won't be worth it- you'll be really mad at yourself if you give in- you're swearing off bread for life anyway- just get used to it."

I do a lot of talking to myself these days.  Aside from feeling all cooky and strange while my body adjust to not being stuffed-to-capacity with loads of carbohydrates, I'm feeling even more cookey going through reminders in my brain "OH! Don't lick your finger- wipe that ice cream on a napkin, missy!" and "It wouldn't be nice for you to throw away that bag of chips just because you're being tempted by them."

I'm feeling a bit of anxiety over the 2 boiled eggs I had for dinner tonight, too.  (and this is an ever stranger train of thought for me.  I mean?  Whoop-Tee-Doo.  2 boiled eggs.  I'm used to feeling guilty for eating 5 pieces of pizza for dinner- or like- eating a half a pan of brownies for dessert.  Even still- I'm paranoid that the 2 eggs were not okie-dokie to eat).  

Geeesh. This is not normal for me.  Nothing about anything I have done in the past 7 days have been at all normal.

Seriously, though; back to the eggs- I was limited on my choices. The grilled chicken and grilled lean-burger patties I had prepared earlier this week were gone.  It was either eggs- or NADA.  I went with the eggs.  My belly would never have forgiven me if I'd gone with Nada.  Being more prepared is going to have to be (yet another) lesson I learn during this protocol.  I should've made more food "Just-In-Case".

On here I should also log my food and drink.  For the record- today I had:
Coffee (added milk again this morning)
Grapefruit
Tea (Tension Tamer)
Sugar Free Red Bull (I couldn't help it.  My husband was grabbing himself one, and I was like "OH- if they have sugar free get one for me, too!!!"  And whud-ya-know, they had sugar free.   It was good.  Mmmmm....  So.  GOOD!)
Laura's Lean Burger (grilled)
Celery
Organic Apple (very small)
Water and Water and Water and then a LOT more water (this is all through all the day)
2 boiled eggs + 1 egg white from a boiled egg (I read somewhere that you should have atleast 3 egg whites if you supplement your protein with egg)
Spinach (cooked in water, garlic salt and onion seasoning)
And then, just to mix it up a bit, I had Water. with Lemon.  My favorite.


I'm feeling very satisfied right now-  Those eggs made my belly so  happy.  The spinach?  Not so much.  I had to throw half of it away.  I think it was the onion.

Still having head aches and feeling 'weak'.

  I'm a BUM these days, too.  This afternoon we were cleaning  and I got all dizzy and strange feeling.  I sat down for a sec.  Stood up.  Got dizzy again and told the hubby I needed reinforcements.  He was soooo sweet- and totally obliged while I sat there..... and did.... nothing.

I don't like doing 'nothing'.  It's not normal.

PLUS!  If I do 'nothing', nothing will get done.  (is that like a Chinese proverb or something?)

Being a stay-at-home mom and a home school mom doesn't really allow room for 'nothing' to be hanging out around our house.

I've allowed myself a week to spend quality time with 'nothing' while my body makes it's necessary adjustments, but after that, it's time to kick it to the curb and get my bootie-hiney in gear doing something!
.............................................................................

I can't believe I'm only on Day 5-  "Oh Woe is ME!"  33 more days to GO!
It feels like it's been a whole-lot-of-FOREVER since I've been on this protocol.
And then I think " Eh?  5 days and 11.4 pounds."  That makes it sweeter.  Eleven point Four pounds gone in only 5 days!!  YEP.  That's way sweet.
................................................................................
I'm totally crazy about Youtube's hcg-vloggers.  I so want to VLOG.  Watching everybody else is such a huge help for me, and I feel like I should contribute to the cause.

I also tried creating a video ( like 12 times).  Every time I started, I'd get a few minutes into it and get interrupted by

'I wan a sippy pease'
 'I'm hungry'
 'Can we go outside an play'

I mean?   I can't even go pee-pee on the potty by myself with out an interruption (today for example: my 4 year old asked  "Are you pooping-on-the-potty?  No?!  Why not? Oh?  Then why is your butt so big?)

So... Ya.....Making a video-blog with out interruption is totally out of the question .  It was funny, actually- because my kids were looking at me like I was a total fruit-cake when I attempted the v-log.  My 2 year old walked into the dining room and started cackling when she saw her mommy 'talking to herself'.  My 6 year old walked in..... look horrifed...  and THEN started giggling, "What are you doing, Mommy?"

Maybe I'll vlog tonight?  After I'm done blogging.

VLCD Day 4...... continued

What.  EVER!

I am tired of being tired and really not feeling this diet/protocol.

Nah.  I've not cheated.  Ohhh.  I want to.  My husband and the girls had Papa John's tonight for dinner.  Guess who placed the order?  Me-me-me-me-me.  It made me in a bad mood just clicking on all the toppings that were going to go on their pizza. (online ordering)

Made it even TOUGHER when my husband walked in the door in the midst of a screaming 2 year old and a screaming/growling belly with yummy smelling pizza taunting me; begging me to just snag one pepperoni.  Just one.  Just eat one...... And. I. DID. NOT.

All night last night and then today I watched hCG "vloggers" on youtube.  It helps- oddly enough- to know I'm not alone in this journey- but it doesn't make the hunger or the 'withdrawls' any easier.  Someone said "It's not really hunger- it's mental."  I could agree to that for maybe 50% of my hunger- but the other half of it- HAH!  My belly growls for itself.  That's not mental.

VLCD Day 4

 Today: 203.6(Down another 2.2 pounds)


Last night- I went to bed so so SO incredibly late.  I thought this hCG thing was going to alleviate my insomnia- maybe not.  

I had the most ridiculous headache after I layed down, too.   I was being attacked in my head from the inside out.  I wanted to throw up, but I wasn't the least bit naseaus.  There was a clamp in side my brain squeezing at the most painful spot.

So, my husband nursed me back to sleep.  I don't know how- but- he held onto my head, he prayed for me, and he soothed me.  I was in a state of 'I may possibly die'.  Hah.  I think it was a migraine.  Or a demon.  Same thing, right?  Lord had mercy on me, and I finally went to sleep.

Waking up this monring?  Not that easy.  I had that hung over feeling all over again- not hungry, but weak.
I know most folks lose the most weight in the first week- according to the protocol- and i can NOT complain that I've been successful- I also can't claim that I don't feel concerned.

So far, in only 4 days I've lost (er.. released) 11 pounds.  I'm not so excited about how terrible I feel, though. I have been super strict and incredibly hard core.  No cheating.  Alongside that- I do NOT eat the melba toast, and seriously- what IS the point of putting 2 tablespoons of milk in coffee?  May as well NOT put anything in it at all unless I can put atleast a 1/4 cup in there.

I have been drinking a LOT of tea (Sleepy Time, Tension Tamer, Ginseng Energy- all by Celestial Seasoning) and I feel confident I've been getting plenty of water.  I've never had a hard time drinking water.  It's very satisfying to me, and that most definitely helps fill me up.

This morning- I just said SCREW IT, and I had milk in my coffee and a half cup of orange juice.  I felt like I really needed to put some sustenance in my body aside from just an apple.  I'll log the calories, of course, and I'll be sure not to cheat with 'real' food.

So- that's where I am.  I feel like CRUD.

Oh!  Oooooooh!!!!  I'm just remembering that I did NOT take my vitamins yesterday;  Lord!!!!  I'm totally going to get on that right now.  Geeesh.

I love blogging.  It brings out a lot of realizations.

VLCD 3... continued

Ya.  It's late.  Real LATE.  I've been  YOU-TUBING the hCG 'vloggers'.

I got sort of caught up in it; and after a few hours (HOURS) I've decided I'm a little bit scared.  Seriously.

This diet (protocol, whatever you wanna call it) is hands down NO JOKE totally something that works really well.  Can we go back a two days?  I LOST 5 pounds in ONE day!!!  It's doing something right.

BUT!!!!   IT's not a miracle diet.  The folks that did the hCG on Youtube went from chub to slim and it totally showed on all their awesome vids.  Hooray!

There were a few- however- that decided to get honest with the world and they posted updated videos.  The bottom line- several hCG(ers) are gaining their weight back during the 3rd and 4th phase of the 'protocol'.  And they are repeating the protocol... round 1 (that's where I'm at- 1st time hCG round) and there are some that have gone up to round 7 and round 8.  That's crazy!!!

Phase 1 (Detox)  I didn't do it- it's not required.
Phase 2 (VLCD) I'm doing it now
Phase 3 (for 3 weeks) NO sugar.  NO starch.
Phase 4 Maintain (NOT eat junky junk crap food)

Easy enough?  No.  Not so much.

We are chubbers in need of weight loss cause we're ADDICTED to food, people!
 Food calls my name- I am tempted day in and day out.

 I have THREE kids.  NOT just kids, 3 girls.  Ages 6, 4, and TWO (2).  I stay at home with these amazing girls-of-mine.  I home school.  Those are the ages of peanut butter and jelly, grapes, cereal, soup, 'gold-fish' and granola bars... snack. snack.  snack... SNACK....and all those other awesome comfort foods that make me sooo hungry (MY stomach is growling grotesquely as I type this).

All of this to say that fighting the chub is not just about a diet.  It's about a life.

Just like the alcoholic that can NOT have a beer- us weight losers have to decide what we absolutely can NOT have.  What sets off the binge?  Ice cream?  Chocolate?  Pasta?  Bread? (oh- there goes my stomache growling again).

I'm pondering a lot during this protocol.  What sets me off?  Bread!!! Wheat!!!. Cake.  Cookies.  Muffins. Pasta.  Mmmmm!!!  (ok- I have GOT to quit thinking of food.  My stomach may eat itself.)

Sugar- not so much.  Sugar- combined with bread- and "HELLO, Binge."

I strangely feel better on this diet than on any other thing I've ever done (food restriction wise).  My body is cleansing itself of CRAP.  I'm forced into self-control (well? Not forced- but I'm using self-control, which is something I've really never done in excess before).  And what is not something I've had during the past 3 days?  Wheat. Bread.  Pasta...... and so on the belly growls.

Blah blah blah.  I'm too tired to be making any kind of sense.

I feel affected by  fellow women that are in constant battle with the scale and the closet-full-of-hateful-clothes-that-won't-fit-right.

I don't think hCG is the answer for weight loss- nor is phenteremine- or the Atkins diet- or South Beach- or whatever!    I think the answer is to FIND something that is going to work for the rest of your life.

For me?  hCG is a mere practice of self-control.  It's a kick start in getting some pounds off- which totally enables me to see a direct reward for (aforementioned) self-control; this is how I am able to keep up the practice.  Seeing results!

I've already made a decision for Phase 4.  The 'maintentance' It's like 3 months away- but I'm trying to plan-ahead.  I can NOT have wheat.  Nope.  None.  None-At-All.  I had already determined almost 2 years ago- through various health articles and online research, etc. etc. that wheat- according to my body chemistry- is like a 'poison'.

I believe it.  It is like a poison.  It's my 'heroine' and 'alcohol'.  I can't go back to it.

I'm in rehab right now.

Rehab.  Hmmm.  

VLCD 3

It's 8:20 AM.  I woke up around 7:00.  Peed.  Stripped. (I remembered to bring my scale to the upstairs bathroom) and weighed myself.

Down another 3 pounds.

I was at 214.  Then 209. I'm at 206 now.

It varied on the 206 and the 206.8  after a few times.  I don't know why.  The scale was in our kitchen for a long LONG time because in the kitchen, the subfloor is concrete- and it makes the scale perfectly balanced.  Upstairs, in the bathroom, it's a wooden floor- and linolium.  Not that solid.  Hence the variation.  I should also note that the scale was in the kitchen for so long, too, because there isn't a good space to put the scale anywhere else.  AND- I wasn't having to weigh myself naked- so it was easier.

Yesterdays hunger pangs were worth it- yet again!  I'm sipping coffee and water- and I'm going to wait until later on in the morning to have my apple sauce.  I'm not hungry at ALL right now.  Not even a little bit.

My head hurts, though.  I can't explain it any other way than to say, "I feel like I'm hung over from too many glasses of wine."  You know how, if you have 2 or 3 glasses of wine, you wake up with a 'heavy head'.  That's how I feel.  A heavy head.

I've been giving myself a count down "Only 38 more days to go... only 37 more days to go.. " but I've made up my mind to tell myself I only have ONE more day to go.  I have to take this day by day (BY DAY!)  And truth be told- if after 20 days I feel like I need to take a break- I can.  I really wouldn't want to do that, though.  IT's a forty day venture, and because I believe God has it in His plan to teach me a few things during this protocol, I have to make sure I keep my eye on the prize: Education!  40 is the number that represents TRIAL.  I need to be willing to stick out the trial.

...................................

It's now 12:45.  I totally skipped breakfast (aside from my coffee and hCG)  I mean- really- I just was not in the least bit hungry.

So, about 20 minutes ago I had my grilled chicken... and out of obligation I felt like I needed to eat something else, so I just finished my 4 oz. cup of apple sauce.

NOOOO JOOOKE....... I am STUFFED!

Really full.  Not just 'satisfied', but like "Ohhhh....  I couldn't eat another ounce."

 I chugged about 16 oz of water before my apple sauce, and I think that really filled me up the most.

To be continued.........

VLCD Day 2

It's almost 11:00.  I have a rumbling in my tummy.  But?  It's OK!

Celery is my evening friend.  Mmmm.  CELERY!!!  It's sooooo gooooood.
I had water and coffee and tea to drink today.  Black Coffee.  Clear Water.  AND!  Ginseng Tea.  and then Tension Tamer Tea.  It helps to drink hot tea.  Truly does.  AND Coffee is a big help in the hunger pangs, too.  I don't wanna over do the coffee thing, cause then I'm just gonna get hooked on mega doses of caffeine.  Not really what I'm shooting for during this protocol.  My aim?  Freedom!  Sing it with me.  "Freeeedom!!!  Freeeedom!!"

I can't wait to weigh myself in the morning and see if I made any progress.

5 pounds in one day- still ringing in my ear- FIVE POUNDS!!

(I weighed myself through out the day, too- cause I was all 'surely this isn't water weight?' and... ahem.... let me break out my country-talk.. SURE 'NUFF, it was an accurate weight loss.)

I'm spose to NOT be hungry right now.  A friend said that HAD I loaded enough on fat I'd not be hungry.  Girlllll... LET ME TELL YOU.  Spark People- (the place I enter in all my foods) told me that on Load Day ONE I inhaled 254 grams of fat.  (Ya.  I did.)  And on Day 2 of the LOAD?  244.  Or was it reversed?  I don't know.  I just know I ate a LOT of fat.  A.  LOT!  They should've given guidelines on how many grams of fat needed to be eaten.  That'd have helped a sista out.

I'm only on day 2, though.  (sad face- frowny)  I have 36 more days to go.  It's going to get better.  I've heard the stories- they are consistent enough to allow me to believe that it WILL get better, and I'll be happy for sticking to the grind.

The Right Thing. I can DO this!

Why is It Working?

I'm asking myself- WHY??.  Why is this already working so well?  5 pounds in one day is absolutely totally UN HEARD of!

Here's my own personal guesstimation.  My body- the one that pounded it for a year to lose a mere 12 pounds- is EAGER to get that extra weight off.  It's rejecting the chub I aquired over the past 3 weeks.  And along side the hCG, and the VLCD (very low calorie diet) it's working 'over-time' to burn off the added fat.

I only have 4 pounds to lose before I get back to the 205 weight I had gotten to after busting it in the gym for so long.  That, I believe, is going to be when I'm going to need the most encouragement.  I need to stay even more focused and more determined so I can break free from the 200's.

I believe in God.  I believe He is almighty and super powerful.  If I believe that... (I do!)  I also have to say that I believe there is a Devil.  He is horrendous and evil.  He has little demons roaming the earth, messing with God's children like the bully's they are.

I believe that there are milestones that Satan does NOT want us to hit.  He wants to keep us "bound".   This is what I believe to be totally true.

I'm aware that I'm bound in  many areas- and I'm praying to be loosed.  It's not gonna happen over night- that 'loosing'.  And I'm not just referring to 'fat'.

It's more than just a weight, or a jeans size.  On the surface?  Maybe it's not so obvious that the chub is just one way for Satan to keep me bound.  But, in the Spiritual......

Like I said before- I believe God is going to allow this protocol to teach ME how to use self-control.  Am I going to succeed?  Who knows.  I can't stake claim to that succees (yet).  God's given me the power.  The strength.  The ability to loose up what is binding me.  But- I gotta be real.  I have a stubborn flesh.  Really STUBBORN flesh.  God will use this to teach me- but I have to be willing to be 'taught'.

Anyway.  Back to the '205'.  I'm sure that it would destroy a lot of Satan's agenda's for me to break free from the 200 pound weight.  It's held me captive for  over 6 years.  Fluctuating up and down on the scale- maxing out at one point at 228+ pounds 6 years ago...... size 18 moving into a size 20.

 And after 2 more kids, and all my hard core efforts at the gym, I had gotten down to 205 pounds, and moving down from a size 16 to a 14.  Almost 25 pounds difference from 6 years ago- but it wasn't just 'weight'.  It was health.  I was strong.  Muscular.  (Still chubby), but really getting some tone and some shape.  Felt the best I had ever FELT.... EVER!  All from working out.  Cardio.  Weight Training. Swimming.  MOVING my body.....  I miss it so much.  I loved it.  I was addicted in the best possible way.

And like the SNAKE that he is, butt-head (Satan) tied me back up.  I made the excuses that he whispered into my ear (You're tired.  It's too much work to get all 3 kids out the door- just stay home...)  AHem!!  Note:  I MADE the excuses.  This isn't one of those 'the devil  made me do it' things.  It was MY FLESH that decided to be a slacker.  

Yeah.  That's where I'm at.  Fighting the chub.  Fighting the flesh.  Fighting the enemy.  I'm just fighting.  And I'm aware that I'm a super-pansy doing the whole arm-flailing fight because I don't know exactly where to fling- but I got an awesome Father God that has it alll perfectly planned out.  I may be flailing, because I lack the discipline, but He's directing my punches exactly where they need to go.

POW!

Results Day 2

9:25 AM.

Woke up @ 8:00.  Peed.  Put on some clothes.  Came down stairs to my kitchen (where the scale is) and stripped buck-nekid.

(THIS is why I don't like unexpected guest.  If you're my friend, and you read any of my blogs- please know that a "drop in visit"  isn't something that will make me happy.  You might find me standing nekid in my kitchen--- call first!)

Anyway- I had to weigh myself twice.  And then a 3rd time.  "Is this thing right???"

From 214 yesterday Jan 19.... to 209 today, Jan 20.

No KIDDING!   5 pounds.

This thing is working.  WORKING.  Working!

I didn't cheat.  I didn't stray from the protocol.  506 calories.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  I was HARD-CORE and it paid off.

Yay me!!

VLCD Day 1........ continued

I know- for SURE- that I Loaded the way I was suppose to.  High Fat.  Lots of it.  LOTS and lots and LOTS of high fat!

Why then, WHY oh WHY oh WHY am I soooo hungry??

2:00 I ate my clementine.  I had to.  I was getting dizzy.

This afternoon, we have to be at KinderMusik at 4:30.  I was going to wait and eat my apple then.

I guess I still can.  I just don't know what I'm going to have for an after dinner snack.

Perhaps the tea will help me.  Celestial Seasoning.  Sleepy Time.

I'm so tired.  SO. SO. SO. TIRED!!!

This is a good thing.  Normally- I'm not tired enough to crash in the evening, thus putting myself to bed at a decent hour.  I think I'll go to bed early tonight.

.......to be continued

I had my apple on the way to Kindermusik.   It was the best apple I had ever eaten!  Ever!

And also on the way to Kindermusik........ I ran over a pot hole. And.  After class.  I found a beautiful flat tire.  It sure was perty...sitting there on my 12 year old van.   This meant I was not going to get to go straight home to my pre-prepped grilled chicken.  I had to WAIT.

So- to Walmart tire center I went, and I was so thankful that my husband was able to meet me there.  WE waited for them to balance out my tire, and I decided to buy a jar of pickles.  A pickle is ok, right?  Two...?  That's fine, isn't it?

Oh well.  It was better than eating those snack cakes that were calling my  name down the coffee/tea aisle.

Home.  FINALLY!!

And I discovered that I was going to get to eat the yummiest low caloried dinner that I could imagine.  Grilled Chicken topped with SALSA.

Salsa is not on 'the list'- but tomatoes and peppers ARE- and this particular salsa I was topping my 4 oz of chicken with was alllll-nat-chur-alll!  No sugar.  No nothing added.  Just tomatoes, peppers, and garlic.

Mmmm. Mmmm. Gooood!!

It's almost 9:00.  I already had my hCG.  I get no more food.  My total calorie count is 507.  I'm drinking my 3,000th oz of water (ok- not really- but it's been a lot of water!)

I'm thankful I've not cheated.... TODAY.   I don't want to cheat.  I want to totally SLAM this protocol in the face!

God.  Help me.  I need it.

VLCD Day 1

So... phew!!!!  Loading is OVER!

Never thought I'd feel relieved to NOT eat fat, but after allllll the stuff I've HAD to eat for the past 2 days, I can honestly say that the thought of steak, Wendy's, guacamole and oreos makes me nauseas.  Really.

So far.  So good.  I'm not hungry.  It's 11:00.  I've had coffee.  I've had apple sauce.  I've had water.

I'm good.

Don't get me wrong- this is just day 1.  I'm not expecting to be craving-free all together, but the rebel in me by now would have already eaten the last 10 oreos out of the bag.  Just cause I 'wasn't suppose to'.  Stinky rebel.  I hope I lose that part of me along side the 25+ pounds I expect to lose over the next 38 days.

We.  Shall.  See.

12:00 PM

I'm getting hungry.  I'm not suppose to yet....  am I?

I also KNOW that I have some sort of blood sugar issues.  Hypo-glycemic sort of.

I'm going to break out the 4 oz. lean-burger and the spinache in just a few minutes- and see if that curbs the hunger pangs.

Lucky for me... and I MEAN THIS.... I love water!  I love. LOVE. LOVE drinking water.  It's best with crushed ice and lemon.  But- I can chug a 20 oz. room temp bottle of water in 5 minutes and uncap another one with out any issues.  I love water.

On this protocol, I can have one lemon per day.  I'll wedge it out and put lemon in my water through out the day.  Thankfully- very thankfully- I've never been a big sweet tea or cola/soda drinker.  I won't have to go through the detox.

12:45
Ate my lean-burger and spinache.  I seasoned the spinache with garlic red pepper seasoning and vinegar.  It was GOOD!!  I'm full.  Totally completely full.  My nose, however, is sniffing the Chicken Florentine pasta (Kashi) that my girls are having for lunch, and I'm in a confused mode of 'not hungry' but I want to eat cause it smells so good.  For dessert- they get oreos.  I'll be glad to have that empty bag in the trash can.  

So far, SparkPeople.com is saying that I've consumed 224 calories.  Half way through my day.  I mean- it's 1:00 now.  Typically, I'm up til 1 or 2 AM.  I assume this will limit my late night hours.  I won't have the ability to stay awake.  All my food source will have expired after dinner.

My plan for this afternoon is to take an apple with me during our outing.  Just in case.  You know- JUST in case Chick Fil A says... "Come to me my sweet.... Come to me... I will give you sustanance.  I will give you Waffle Fries!"

And dinner plans:  Hopefully around 6:00 I can convince myself to eat my 4 oz. portion of grilled chicken and green beans (seasoned with ???? no clue!) while my family eats their 'regular' food- aka- LEFT OVERS!  Hah haha.  Then again- left overs for them tonight is T-Bone Steak and Roasted Garlic Potatoes- they're getting a good deal.

I'll weigh myself in the morning and maybe it'll tell me something awesome!

The deal with this diet is that one should lose around 1 pound per day.   Ohhhh.  It's like Christmas!  What will the end of this 40 day journey bring me??

Load Day 2

Monday
January 18, 2010

 I woke up this morning (barely) and made an attempt at a 'black' cup of coffee.  I needed to know what kind of terror I was going to be face with in the morning with out my creamy half and half (full fat thank you very much!) I tasted the blacky blackness of the dark roast, starbucks strength coffee, and thought "I can totally DO THIS!"

One obstacle- faced- and soon to be conquered.  No half and half.

I've not eaten anything yet. Heree it is- 11:16 a.m. and I'm suppose to be stuffing myself full of fatty- fat- fat foods. It's hard.  Really- it's hard.  The hcg KILLS the appetite.

Last night I topped off my 1st Load Day with a bowl of guacamole and salsa scooped high atop tortilla chips.  I had Mayfield Moose Tracks and some Smartfood popcorn.

The guilt with the above night time meal is that there wasn't a whole lotta nutritional soundness in it.  The salsa and guacamole were all natural, healthy, and whole- but that icecream and gorged popcorn led me to guilt.

It's harder than you could think of to stuff yourself.  It really is.  The thought of eating annoys me- I'm not hungry.  My body is being forced into something it's not wanting to do.  My mind is too.

My meal plan today?

Lots and lots and LOTS of pecans.  (20 grams of fat per 1/4 cup.)  More guacamole and salsa.  (Avacodo has a more pleasing sort of fat).  I want to find more fatty foods to eat so that I don't have to load for a 3rd day, and really REALLY do not want to eat crappy fat.  I'm almost tempted to just drink OLIVE oil or something (ewww.  gross!).


Here's a little tid-bit of  insight on this diet-

WHY am I'm Loading on Fat.....?

*HCG starts out like this:

Loading for 2-3 days with high fat foods- lots and lots of fat alongside the HCG.  The next 37 or 38 days are Very Low Calorie Days.  500 calories- alongside the HCG.

Your body is forced, through the HCG, to use the 'locked' fat rather than the structural or the reserved fat when you're on this super low calorie (almost starvation mode) diet.  Instead of your body starving itself- losing structural fat, and reserved fat your body is tricked into thinking it has to hang onto these important fats and it unlocks  (read below to understand)

(taken from  Dr. Simeons Protocol )

In the human body we can distinguish three kinds of fat. The first is the structural fat which fills the gaps between various organs, a sort of packing material. Structural fat also performs such important functions as bedding the kidneys in soft elastic tissue, protecting the coronary arteries and keeping the skin smooth and taut. It also provides the springy cushion of hard fat under the bones of the feet, without which we would be unable to walk.

The second type of fat is a normal reserve of fuel upon which the body can freely draw when the nutritional income from the intestinal tract is insufficient to meet the demand. Such normal reserves are localized all over the body. Fat is a substance which packs the highest caloric value into the smallest space so that normal reserves of fuel for muscular activity and the maintenance of body temperature can be most economically stored in this form. Both these types of fat, structural and reserve, are normal, and even if the body stocks them to capacity this can never be called obesity.

But there is a third type of fat which is entirely abnormal. It is the accumulation of such fat, and of such fat only, from which the overweight patient suffers. This abnormal fat is also a potential reserve of fuel, but unlike the normal reserves it is not available to the body in a nutritional emergency. It is, so to speak, locked away in a fixed deposit and is not kept in a current account, as are the normal reserves.
When an obese patient tries to reduce by starving himself, he will first lose his normal fat reserves. When these are exhausted he begins to burn up structural fat, and only as a last resort will the body yield its abnormal reserves, though by that time the patient usually feels so weak and hungry that the diet is abandoned. It is just for this reason that obese patients complain that when they diet they lose the wrong fat. They feel famished and tired and their face becomes drawn and haggard, but their belly, hips, thighs and upper arms show little improvement. The fat they have come to detest stays on and the fat they need to cover their bones gets less and less. Their skin wrinkles and they look old and miserable. And that is one of the most frustrating and depressing experiences a human being can have.

Load Day 1

Sunday
January 17, 2010

10:45 Am.  First dose of HCG.  Sublingual.

Holding it under my tongue as I type this.  This isn't the easiest  thing to do.  I'm sure it's not the hardest part of this protocol; I gotta hold this 0.5 ML liquid under my tongue for 20 minutes.   It's only been 5 and I'm ready to just spit it out.

So- today, DAY ONE- is what the hcg professionals call a LOAD day.  You take the hcg- and eat tons and tons and tons of fat.  More fat than you can bare.  Eat. Eat. Eat.  Not just eat whatever you want- you have to actually search out very high in fat foods.

For breakfast- I'm having bacon and pancakes with whole milk (mayfield, baby!).  I need to determine the fat content of this meal.

Where am I?

Preface:

Last year I lost a grande total of 12 pounds.  From 217 down to 205.  It took hours and hours upon hours at the YMCA.  Elyptical and Weight Training.  Zumba and Yoga.  Swimming and Sauna.

One year.  12 pounds.  I EVEN spent money at a weight loss clinic and took Phenteremine.  It's like 'legal speed' people say.  Ya.  It sped my everything up- everything but weight loss!!  I was glad to get off that stuff.  I was just not "ME" when I took it.  Didn't really work long distance like I'd thought (and HOPED) it would.

Anyway!  I'm 5'9.  I'm TALL.....I carry all the chub in the upper body.  Belly mostly.  

Long legged.  Seriously- NEVER had a problem with lower body weight.  Fat, for some reason, didn't like hanging around my butt or my thighs.   The word on the street is that I have "A cute butt.  And great legs."

Ok.  The street = my husband.   But- whatever....

The hardest, most challenging frustration is that big o' belly of mine!!  It won't leave.  I hate it.

So, one year, 12 pounds.  3 weeks... I got all 12 pounds BACK!  Isn't that lovely??!!  I lost and gained and lost and currently- as the scale read to me this morning my starting weight on the HCG VLCD is :

214.

TWO- HUNDRED- and FOURTEEN

2-1-4

UGH!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it.

I was ALMOST OUT of the 200's.  Got as low as 203 a few months ago.  And BAM!!!  I shot back up to my original weight.  Blind-Sighted.  And- guess what!  I did NOT gain the weight during Thanksgiving.  Or Christmas.  It was AFTER Christmas Day that the chub started working itself back onto my waist line.

So.  Let's break it down.
Height:  5'9
Weight: 214
Jean Size: 16 (sometimes 14)
Bust/Bra: 40 C  (I may shrink in cup size (hope not)- that's why I'm posting it)

I can't post waist measurements yet.  I don't have a thingy- you know- the measure thingy.

Those terrors will come later.

HCG. Yes.

I'm on the wagon.  The train.  The trend.  Whatever.

Doing the HCG.

Here- I'm gonna be blogging.

And... I'm going to be HONEST.

About my...   my....  ahem! ... my WEIGHT

And my size.


LORD HELP ME!

No.  Really.  You think I'm going to be trying to go through this ALONE???

Wrong.  I'm praying... "LORD.  Help me.  I need YOU."

Because this is NOT just a matter of weight loss.  It's more.  It's a matter of Self-Control.  I lack- er- I have NONE.  Until now.  God's trying to teach me self-control.  He's been trying to get me to use it for quite some time.

I do believe, as controversial as it may sound, that this is going to be a pillar in aiding my search for self-control.