Do What Works

Since bowing out of my first round (with hCG in my corner)- I have been in constant turmoil over how to continue losing weight with out having to depend on ANY supplement to help me out.

As I've noted before- I tried going to a Weight Loss Clinic initially (about a year ago?) to lose some extra baggage.  It wasn't that great- taking Phentermine to reduce my appetite.  Aside from the fact that I was a jitter-bug on the medicine; I was also lethargic when I didn't take it.  The medication did NOT control my habits- it very simply made me forget that I really loved food.  If I happened to be at a place that reminded me that I was missing out on my favorite past-time- I'd partake; hungry or not.

hCG was opposite of Phentermine.  I was hungry--- MOST of the time--- and constantly reminded how much I loved food.  I very simply HAD to use self-control.  With that- I saw definite results.  Real results.   And this is the key: Doing what works.  Learning how to eat for nourishment rather than pleasure.  In a sense- I've got to retrain myself.  So- hCG isn't a miracle drug like most have said.  It's a training mechanism for those of us who were never taught how to use self-control.

I'm getting ready to place an order for a full 40 day round of hCG.  I feel the need to complete my initial goal of getting through a 40 day journey in order to truly attain ultimate self-control.  There are also a few key points I failed to realize 'last-go-round'.  A.  I was drinking carbonated beverages to try to lessen my  huger pangs and get more doses of caffeine because I was so-so-so-very tired!  They were sugar-free, but full of toxins.

 I also feel confident that I have some sort of  underlying b12 deficiency- and though while I was taking b12 with my sublingual doses of hCG, I don't feel as though it was nearly enough.  I plan to supplement with injections if my doctor will allow it.  If not- I found a really awesome supplement that my sister and I are totally hooked on.  One energy shot contains 8333% of B12 and 2000% of B6.

One of the harshest obstacles before was how totally and completely exhausted I was.  I don't wanna be so 'out of it' when I try again next month.

 I want to be thinner- and as it stands- what works for me to even get close to my goal has been hCG.

 I'm a very average lookin' gal.  Not much to look at... though unique in my appearance. I often wonder (when I notice folks staring at me)  if I look really weird to most people?  It seems as if I am self-conscience- but I'm not really so much.     I'm comfortable with myself- and I'm thankful for that.  BUT!  I want to be thinner.  

 Weird looking or not- I like myself...... and my ultimate goal is to get a little more comfortable with "me"   ;-)

Out of Order

Yikes.
I've been awful and not blogging.
Hold on while I pull out my page full of excuses.

Exhausted ME
Yucky feeling kids- ( is 1:00 AM and/or 3:00 AM the general  time that a random high fever must show up?)
Re-organization of (almost) every part of my life!
10 year marriage anniversary on the horizon.
Family concerns
 --------- apparently the remainder of my list was used to wad up a piece of chewed gum------- but you get the idea.  I could list a page full.

Mostly.  Really.  I have nothing 'weight-loss' related to talk about.
I haven't lost any weight.  Haven't gained any.  I haven't battled (much) with it.  I think I bowed out of the power-struggle between myself (the one that likes to eat) and the self that really wants to NOT be fat.  The former of myself won (for now).  Soon enough- I'll be ready to fight the good fight... and finish the race!

hCG is the WAY to go.... to get off the excess chub.  I will try it again in the spring.  It's a great option for people like me that just don't have the brain-function-ability to use self control in my day to day's efforts of losing weight.

On a sweet note- my baby sister had her first born today (tonight).  A sweet baby girl.... and I'm emotionally drained and have been experiencing physical drainage the better part of the day (2 year old.  Fever.  1 AM.  No sleep.)

I'm pretty much short staffed right now- I had a lot of brain cells call in "DEAD" today- and yesterday.  Can't focus.   Lah-tee-dah.

Another Day ONE {Loser}

"What a LOSER!"

That was my thought as I recalled how STUPID I am when it comes to unconscience food-to-mouth choices.  This morning, for example, for absolutely NO good reason at all- I ate 3 of those fried-mozzerella sticks for a brunch.  (I skipped breakfast.  Wasn't hungry.)  And- as I was signing into my blogger- wondering just 'what I'd write about' today- the thought crossed my mind to force myself to (b)Log my foods eaten through out the day.

I log onto this-here laptop about 10 to 15 times every day.  Checking the weather.  Facebook.   Checking my email.  Blogging.  Reading Blogs.  Facebook.  Google-ing questions my kids ask me.  Posting a status on Facebook (about the hilarious things my kids say)...... and so on.

My point.  I can just log in.  Log my foods.  Get accountable to the amazing  {weight} 'LOSERS' that I read every day.  I never knew how incredible a community could be!

Anyway.  Here goes DAY ONE.

Breakfast:
Coffee (with milk) 7:45 Am
Coffee (with milk) 8:30 Am
Coffee (with milk) 9:15 Am

What?!  I needed a LOT of coffee this morning!!

BLunch
3 Fried Mozzerella Sticks (I am an IDIOT!) (10:30 AM)
Roasted Red Pepper Hummus w/ pretzel crisp (11:00 AM)
*could I please get away from the wheat sometime soon?  seriously!*


Ya.  Writing this stuff down rocks.  I can totally see where my food choices are.

Oh!!  P.S.  Say hello to T.O.M.  Dark Chocolate will likely be on the menu at some point today.  I also really need to incorporate a few gallons of water to wash away some of this bloating.

I've been neglecting my water bottle lately.  I sure would like to NOT do that anymore.  Water is so important.  I know this.  (You know this!)

It's like Paul said:  "I DO the things I DO NOT want to do.... and I DO NOT do the things I DO WANT to do!"

Uncertain Movement

Really.  It's been up and down for the past few days.  The scale.  My thoughts.  My goals?  What's GOING ON?!?!

(Knock. Knock.  T.O.M???  Is that you?  You might be a little early.... could you come back NEVER.  I hate you the most.  You're evil.  Go away!)

I should have just kept pressing on.  I should have gone the full course and pushed through the challenge I was facing when I quit the hCG.  I wasn't yet recovered from my food addiction.  I  need another detox.  I need another session of "Hello, My name is....... and I'm an addict."  I need that podium to stand on and admit my addiction.  I need the floor, please.

Ahem.

"Hello.  My name is Amber.  And I am addicted to food."

"When I eat, it's a painful awareness that I may  not be able to stop myself."

"Not having  a guideline and a plan takes me to an out of control place.  I am overwhelmed with options.  I over indulge.  And then.  I have guilt."

"I want to quit.  I want to stake claim to my once-before-announced goal to NEVER again eat wheat.  (I always feel lethargic and gross after eating it.)  And staying away from sugar. (I can't control myself- it's best to stay away all together)

"Without  a guideline.  A lifetime guideline, that is.  With out it- I am setting myself up for failure."

"Eat when your hungry.  Stop when your satisied."  It's the Weigh Down way.  But I find fear and nervousness rising up when I attempt this.  "Wait?!  Am I satisfied?  Am I hungry???"  The truth is- I have no idea!

hCG gave me a hope- in a sense- to overcome my addiction to food.  I failed myself when I gave up half way through it.  I KNEW better!!!!   I really did.  I comprehended that THIS WAS my 'road to recovery'.  It was.  I was almost finished being addicted to food.  And I gave it all up.

What do people do when they drop out of their Addicts Anonymous class?  How do they start over again!?!

Dirty Rotten Stinkin CHUB

I had to FORCE myself to change my ticker.  From 196.6..... back to 199.  Oh! THE PAIN!

Yesterday I had a Jay Robb protein shake.  I sat at Chick Fil A for 2 hours (thanks CFA for your WiFi).... and I ate NOTHING.  I drank 3 cups of coffee- but?- I avoided the waffle fries.  I said No Thanks to the Grilled Chicken sandwich.  I didn't even order a salad- because I knew I'd just have to drench the salad in ceasar dressing.  Mmmmm.  Ceasar!!

 Success!  Yay!

I came home and ate an apple.
 
For dinner- I cooked fajita steak, peppers, onions, and pico de gillo.  It was scrumptious!  (I added pepper-jack cheese: doing the low carb deal- but it was still FAT)
And later for a snack, I had a ham and cheese-wich.  Ham. Rolled up in mozzerella.  Eaten like a sandwich.  Pretty good.  But?  Too much fat.

Sigh!

2.4 pounds GAINED in the past 3 days.

So far today- I've had coffee.  And water.  And an apple.  With peanut butter.

I am going to STOMP the fat right outta my belly DANG-it!

I have a friend currently focusing on the Weigh Down Diet.  I am awesomely excited that on my bookshelf, I too have the book that could help me battle the scale a bit more efficiently.

I talked to my husband last night about maybe investing in the Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet .  He said "NO!"  He continued with the thought that if I were to want to do a 'diet' I should do one that is FREE.    I should also add that the day I told him I was putting the hCG on the back burner- he looked frustrated!  "You don't want to gain all the weight you lost back!!!!!!"  (it was more that he was frustrated to see my hard work get lost than the idea of me gaining weight)

I mean?  The hCG cost me almost nothing.  Through the avenues I was able to use to attain the hCG, it cost me a MERE 20 bucks every 2 weeks.   Less than what I've had spent going out to eat in a 2 week period,   THAT's FOR SURE!

The Cookie Diet?  HA!  It cost $60+ a WEEK!!!!!   Diet pills?  After the initial $200 fee, it cost $89 a month.  PLUS- phentermine makes me way too hyped up- I can't do that again.

Knowing myself- I know I need a system.  THAT is one of the reasons hCG worked so well.  I had to eat ONLY specific amounts of food.  ONLY a certain kind of food.  I think I may have compared it once or twice to a prison sentence.

At this point- I'm doing low carb.  I'm gonna read the Weigh Down diet book.  I'm gonna drink my protein shakes and start getting to the gym.  Like I said before- I'm so excited to get to work out.  I'm excited to see my muscles pop back into my arms and legs.  Going to the gym is satisfying in a grueling sort of way.  I felt great during the time  period that I was busting-it doing 2 hour sessions of gym-time.  I hurt.  I was tired.  I had to peel myself out of the house to get to the gym... but it was very satisfying.  Very.

Life is CRAZY!!!!!!

Sunday was my official last day on the VLCD.

Life got to me.  There are so many chaotic things that happen in the life of a mom- the one that has 3 kids- those kids being YOUNG- and at home- and home educated, and I've not mentioned the trials and tribulations of marriage.

So.  Life got me.  I had to 'prioritize' and refocus.   What is going to make my 'life' work?  Being exhausted and incapable of full-functionability?  Nah!!!  That certainly hasn't been working for me.  I mean?  I lost 17 pounds.... it worked the scale down... but that's not all that matters, is it?

I  had full intentions of carrying out the 40 day journey.  But it was like- I woke up this morning, and I had nothing left.  Nothing.

It has been the roughest journey- but I must admit; I have enjoyed the self-controlled process on the path I've been on.  I look forward to getting into a work out routine.  I look forward to PROTEIN in mass quantities.  That's gonna feel great!  I look forward to continuing to use self-control (tomorrow) and making wise choices for what I put in my body.

Let me be honest, now.  I didn't carry out phase 2 today.  I just 'went' with it.  No excuses:  Sure!  I had a busy day and I had not prepared myself for phase 2- but I coulda made it work.  I just didn't!  I had soup (potato, bacon, red pepper, and gouda stuff from this little coffee place)  I secretly wished I had just eaten my apple and drank my water.  I felt 'dirty'.

And when I got home after a gruelingly long day of errands- my husband had ordered pizza.  2 pieces of Chicken, Pineapple, and Bacon, I ate.  And I was wishing I had just sucked it up and had 4 oz of cottage cheese instead.

And for dinner- I did FULLY intend on just NOT eating anything- maybe an apple if I needed to?  But I had a ham and cheese on 9 grain organic wheat bread instead.  *bangs head* Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!!!

Tomorrow is a new day.  I feel like crap right now.  Pizza?  Ugh!  Barf.  What was I thinking?!?!
 I still need to focus on the fact that wheat/gluten is my enemy and I need to keep it far away from me!

I'm not totally giving up on hCG.  I really am NOT.  There is a lot of satisfaction in being required to abstain from the "regular-world-life-of-FOOD" {consumption}.  Maybe I'll call this my "interruption?" I just have to get back on the wagon when I can focus more clearly on it.

 I intend on being a hard-core calorie counter (tomorrow). I also intend on being rid of wheat/gluten, starches, and sugars for the remainder of my 'interruption'.

As a side note- at the mention of sugar- can I just announce that it is amazing that I've not craved the FIRST cookie.  Or brownie!  Or ice cream?  Or choco... oh wait! I did feel my mouth water a little bit at the thought of chocolate.....  but I shan't give in.

Tomorrow is a new day.  (have I said that? ......)  I'll begin again, minus hCG, but PLUS a new outlook on food and my attachment (or lack-there-of) to it.  Calories will be counted.  Food WILL be totally healthy.  I WILL be logging (on here- God help me) what I eat.  I will maintain a feeling of accountability.

...........sigh........... WHY! Oh WHY! Did I eat that pizza?!?!?!  I feel it molding itself to my belly.

VLCD Day 20

Weighing in @ 196.6 (down 1.4)

Geesh.  I guess that "tea" really helped out.  Thank, GOD!

Total loss:  Seventeen Point Four Pounds.

It's Saturday.  No blogging for me.

(P.S. I don't hate this protocol.... as much.)

VLCD Day 19

I made it this far!!!!  Whooo Hooo!!!  Almost to the Half-Way Point.

The scale is still being a stubborn 'ass'.  It won't move.  Even when I kick it.  Stupid thing.

I drank a double dose of my special ''make you go'' tea last night, too!  So far- all I've gotten was intense 'labor pains'.  I know- this is sooo much information.  Especially for a public blog.  But?  What-EVA!

Not a whole lot to speak of this morning.  I'm certainly not as consumed in the protocol like I was 2 weeks ago. I'm just kinda hanging out.... waiting for my time to be up.  It's like jail.  My sentence is almost over!

My husband and  I will celebrate 10 years of wedded chaos bliss on March 3.  My hope is to be done with the Very Low Calorie Diet and move on to the 3 weeks of 'no sugar- no starch' phase before the weekend of the 26th.  This puts me at around the 35 day mark on VLCD (I think?)

But!  I just don't know if that's the right thing (whine whine whine).  Previous blog-postings admitted to me hoping to make it through the 40 day trial- because I believe 40 is not just a random number chosen to be on the protocol.  I believe 40 is a great representation through out the entire Bible that when faced through a trial, mostly, the heart of it is in that 40 days/years.

  I don't know if I can actually explain it well enough to make sense... but everytime I think about going off the protocol earlier than 40 full days- I feel guilt.  I won't be in trouble by anybody.  Nope.  I won't be doing anything wrong.  I just feel like I'm suppose to endure the full 40 days!!  Even if it means not being able to celebrate our anniversary on anything more than grilled chicken and lettuce.

I'm going to go back and count my calendar days- just to be sure I'm on track with how many days I've been doing this thing.  More to come later..
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VLCD Day 18

Happy Birthday to Me....  Happy Birthday tooooooooooooooooooo MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

And it HAS been pretty happy, too!

I just hung out with my girly-girls.  Watched "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs" snuggled on the couch while the girls ate their cereal like popcorn at 7:30 AM.  (It's a cute movie.  Actually, it's really hilarious! But- for someone not able to eat very much 'real' food- it can create false hunger-pangs.  It was raining hamburgers and snowing ice cream and my brain was struggling to convince my belly that I was- IN FACT- not hungry!)

No weight loss to speak of.  I keep asking myself if I am ever going to go number 2 again???  Drinking the right kind of tea (with Senna) and plenty of water should have done the trick by now.  It's been 3 days for goodness sake!  So- I guess once I 'go' I'll see a happier number on the scale.

VLCD Day 17

I found out last night that my blood pressure is getting *low*.  I've always stayed at the 120/80 mark, sometimes at the 117/78 mark... but really have maintained a super awesome blood pressure for all of my life. (Um?  Sans the end of my pregnancies- when I jumped up a few notches because I was... PREGNANT!)

I went to Kroger- to get more food- and saw the little BP machine.  Stuck my arm in it- pushed the green button, and waited for it to squeeze the blood out of my arm.  I was tired (read yesterday's post)  and didn't pay too much attention to the discomfort.  And then- I woke up.  117/63 ?????  What?!?!  How is that?  Did it again.  Still low on the diastolic.  Average for the systolic.  Hmmm.  Is that bad?

I'm turning to the Google doctor to tell me what it means:

Systolic blood pressure for most healthy adults falls between 90 and 120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg). Normal diastolic blood pressure falls between 60 and 80 mm Hg. Current guidelines define normal blood pressure as lower than 120/80.


Ok- this means I'm normal.  Sweet!

VLCD Day 16

Time sure has flown by.  I feel like I've been on this thing forever.  Then again- I felt like I was pregnant FORever (when I was pregnant, 3 times, for 40 weeks- each time!).

I lost another 0.6.

This morning I had a lot of work to do in our house.  I had to do something productive.  Slacking off because I've been too tired is not on my list of options (anymore).  So?  I worked.  I moved stuff around- I rearranged to make the teeny-tininess of our abode more functional.  And- I wiped my self out.  I don't even wanna talk about how terrible it was- so I won't.  I'm just gonna leave it at this:

I'm gonna do it.  I'm gonna finish this thing.

VLCD Day 15

199. EVEN!

Previous 214.
Total (WHOO HOO!) 15 pounds lost.


At first, I woke up this morning and the scale said 199.8.  "Same Ol Same Ol".  But?  I noticed that my fingers were really swollen, and they were a bit achy.  "Water!"  So- I had some water.  Peed.  And weighed myself again.  Phew!  199.  Sweet!

I felt good this morning, too.  Really good.

My 3 Amigas and I decided to ditch the house for the day and we went to the YMCA (my gym- their 'play place'.)  I sat in the Chapel Room, lights turned off, and I wrote.  I listened to the awesome arrangement of music I had on my mp3 player.  And I wrote.  I sat still.  I did nothing.  I thought quietly, with out interruption.... and I wrote.  It was sweet.

And then!  I did something I was warned NOT to do.  I 'worked out'.  Just for a little while.  I was careful.  I hopped on the Elyptical, and I made myself take it (sorta) slow.  20 minutes.  That's all.

Ah!   I've missed the Y.  I've missed the time I so truly enjoyed ignoring the world around me, music in my ears, not pulled into so many different directions and needs.  My girls were in great hands; so was I!

Afterward, we headed home.  I was super duper hungry.  My apple was LONG gone.  *LIGHT BULB*  I can eat mexican food.  As long as they can tweak it for me, right?  Yup.  That's right.  We went to El Som, and I was so happy to have pushed the basket of chips in front of the kids while I patiently waited on my water (with lemon). I ordered a 1/2 order of chicken fajita nachos.  Cheese on the side.  Chips on the side.  Which left me with a plate of grilled chicken, peppers, onions, and tomatoes.  Mmmmm!!  My girls ate their quesadillas and burritos, their chips, and the cheese dip.  They LOVED it.  And so did I.  (the only bummer was the inability to measure out the precise weight of the chicken- but!- it was a half order.  I guesstimated that it was fine.

It is still hard feeding my kids breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks- and forcing myself not to munch on their food as I'm preparing it.  But- I'm getting to the point that I have less and less of a struggle.

Today was good.  Hoping for a better tomorrow!