VLCD Day 14 *Goodbye 200*

199.8
Total loss = 14.2 pounds

A letter to my Self-Sabotage (self) from my Self-Controlled (self)

You've reached an important milestone.  You're under 200 pounds.  

This is a milestone not easily attained, and here you are, at it again (for the 2nd time).  

We both know what happened a few days ago when we reached this goal- 

and we both know how terrible we felt when you let it slip away.  

You can't be trusted, so I'm taking over.  

No more excuses! 

 For the rest of our life- we WILL stay under the 200 pound mark.  

I personally enjoy the benefits from having a slimmer body, 

and I would like to work toward seeing the scale drop lower and lower.  

There will be no more sabotages.  You're out of the game. 

 Pack your bags- I'm through with you.  It's Self-Control the rest of the way.  

Adios for EVER!

________________________________________________

Yesterday my little sister and I went to our baby sister's Baby Shower.  During the 30+ minute drive down there, I had to smell my little sister's McDonald's left-overs, her Flipz Pretzels, and I gazed at the package of cashews she had in the console.  They (the cashews) were all but sticking their tongue out at my taunting "nanny-nanny-boo-boo-you-can't-eat-me"!  

I had a protein shake (Jay Robb).  It wasn't scrumptious.  I chugged it super fast.  Maybe it's an aquired taste?  Either way- it's my option for working toward not being miserably sick and tired and whiney during this protocol.  (It helped!)  I was still hungry afterward.  

I drank my water.  

At the Shower, there were pizza rolls (croissants with pepperoni and mozzarella cheese) baking in the oven, filling the air with toxic fumes of deliciousness.  There were pigs in blanket.  Chips and Salsa.  A fruit bowl with watermelon, cantaloupe, and pineapple.  And there was cake!  

I drank my water.

I was in charge of cutting that cake.  Icing and cake remnants sticking to my fingers- waiting to be licked off when I was finished.

I washed my hands.  And....... drank. my. water.   I ate my apple.  (the one I brought from home- the one that saved me from eating my water cup)

When we were finished I went to Chick Fil A.  I had to explain to that poor little boy at the cashier station that I needed a salad- just lettuce- nothing else- and grilled chicken.  No more.  "What kind of dressing would you like?"  Nope.  Just lettuce.  Just Chicken.  I can't have anything else.  He was so confused.

It was super-duper yummy, too!  Best salad EVER.  Just lettuce.  Just chicken.  No dressing.  Still.... so VERY good!  I also ordered a large coffee, too.  (P.S. Coffee is the best appetite suppressant!  Black coffee.  No sugar/splenda/sweetner.  No milk/cream/lightener)

And at home- after we finally got back- I switched it up and ate cottage cheese for dinner.  1/2 cup.  Yes-oh-YES it was delicious!

And all of it payed off in a non-traditionally hCG diet way.  It worked for ME!   And I feel extra encouraged to keep working toward the slimmer-side rather than giving up and staying in the chub.

VLCD Day 12

Woke up this morning weighing 3 pounds more than I did the day before...

2-0-3

I don't believe the scale, though.  It can not be possible to gain 3 pounds in one day- especially with the food that I ate.  I mean?  In order to put on ONE pound, one has to eat 3500 calories.  I don't even think I broke the 1500 calorie mark through out the entire day yesterday- cheese, peanut butter and all!!!

I don't like this protocol one-single-bit.  One pound per day is a sweet loss IF you can pull it off- and most people can.  But as I've said time and time again during these last 12 days- I FEEL LIKE CRAP.  I feel awful.  I miss being able to clean my house and not fee like I'm going to DIE afterward.

A lot of people feel great during the process.  Really-Truly.  I think I may be one of the very few that respond poorly.  It may be that I have 3 kids that I chase around day in and day out.  It may be that I'm a total wimpy wimp-WIMP.  Who knows?

I read a blogger that said she was going to a clinic- and the clinic had her on a 500 calorie diet PLUS a protein shake 3 times per day.   Hmmmm....  PROTEIN; or the lack there of-  may really be what's freaking my body out.

I'm either going to give up all together, because being skinny isn't worth what I've been feeling   OR  I am going to try the protein shake method.  I found an Egg White protein by Jay Robb that is all completely natural, ONLY 120 calories... added potassium and 24 grams of protein.  I may try it.  

VLCD Day 11.... *Sick*

Weighing in (back) at 200.6 lbs.

I don't even know where I'm at on the weight loss schedule.   I don't even know that I'm accurate on the "day" I'm on.  It's all confusing at this point.

 Today- of all days- of ALL times..... TODAY I got sick.  Layed up.  Can't move.  Fever.  Harshly SICK!

So?  What did I do- to try to feel better?  Ah HA!  You guessed it.  I ate.  Food.  Real food.  NOT v.l.c. food. NOT hcg friendly food.  I ate food.  Peanut butter.  Cheese.  Food. Food. Food.

And, of course, it did NOT make me feel better- like I had hoped.  I was 'tricked' into thinking that NOT eating was why I was sick!!   Eating... sure....I got a bit more energy, which meant I was able to change a few diapers in-between my 'wipe-outs-on-the-couch'.  And I was all foggy in my brain, and feverish and pitiful.  But- eating didn't make me feel wholly better.

I slept in the bottom bunk in my girls' room- while they were supposedly napping, too.  I slept on the couch while they played (fought, screamed, squealed, and tormented one another) in the play room.  I slept.  And drank water.  And ate food that I thought would perk me up more.  I had coffee.  I had tea.  I had a truck run me over, and then just for good sport- back up and run me over again. Oh- no, wait.  That didn't actually happen.  I felt like it did.   Oh?  What was I talking about again?  RIGHT!  Being sick.  foggy in my brain... and totally PITIFUL.   Whahhh.

Of all days to get sick.  Of all TIME periods to get sick.  This was just totally inconvenient for me.  Needing to get on and stay on track with this protocol- that's hard enough!!!!
But?  To add insult to painful injury;  Here in our part of the world- we had a winter weather advisory.  'Go stock up- you may be stuck at home for days...' said they.   Um?  Ya.  I couldn't do ANYTHING more than sleep, eat, and stumble through getting the girls taken care of.   Go? OUT?!!  Baah ha ha hahaha!  No.

I'm back tracked again.  Geeeesh!!!!   I hate this protocol a LOT.  IT's hard.  And it's likely I'm going to wake up in the morning weighing like 5 pounds more than I should.  I didn't actually eat that much food- but- I've heard horror stories of folks eating and then gaining a terrible amount of weight back 'cause the hCG is like a fat-soaker-upper.  And I had high fat foods, too.  Cheese.  Lord-have-mercy.  Cheese!!!!  That stuff's bad.

Oooh- if I'm not blogging for the next few days; assume one of the following:
* Power outage due to ice storm
*Still under that truck that ran me over
*I may be eating cheese- and peanut butter- and feel too ashamed to talk about it.

By the way.  This goes out to the  other Senna Tea drinkers:  Are you kidding me with the contraction-like-labor-pain after that tea kicks in?     Goodness.  Is that just me?

10 Day Sticker

It's been 10 days since I've had an 'emotional'-binge.  I've been 'clean' for 10 days.  No emotional eating.  (where's my stinkin' sticker at???)

And it's not been too terribly bad; until today!

Today- I wanted to eat cheese, and cereal, and gold fish crackers, and chocolate.... and cookies... and brownies.  I wanted to emotionally BINGE in an effort to PURGE out my confusion and..... well... my emotions.


So.  I did it.  And I'm documenting it.

I survived super-High emotions and made it  with out having ANY food for comfort.  

Take One. Fade to Black.  I'm sure there will be more to come- the battle continues.

VLCD Day 10 (Just Desserts)

I got my 'just desserts' this morning on the scale.

Did I mention I'm a self-sabotager?   201.6.  That's right.  Gain. 1.6 pounds.

From my cheat on Day 8.  I did fine yesterday.  No caloric cheating.  But the gain showed it's ugly face this morning.  I have no terrible concerns about it.  I know what I need to do to make it 'right'.  Lesson learned.

VLCD Day 9

Which one is it?   199.6?  200?  200.6?

Well?

.......The first 3 (three) times I weighed myself, the scale rang in at One-Ninety-Nine point Six.  199.6. doo dee doo 199.6  Whoo Hooo Hoo.

 And then the two year old came in the bathroom while I was weighing myself for the 4th time (Is that obsessive?) And the scale said 200.6.

 I know, right?!?!  Just adding a 2 year old to the room made me weigh more, huh?!?!   Nah.  She had put her hand on my leg trying to step on the scale, too.  It altered the scales reading.  Silly-Girl.

So my 5th weigh in said 200 even.  Psh.  How weird.  I should have just stuck with the first 3 times as my weight- but- after yesterday I was super skeptical that I actually lost anything at all.  EVEN if it was just 0.4 pounds.  

And I have to confess something else.  (Cringe!!!)  I caved last night and had a small bowl of cereal.  With milk.  AND a banana.  Ahhhh.  I was Praising Jesus the whole time.  This is the best food ever.  Ever!  I am so glad I did it, too.  I really am.  I was craving a banana in such a painful way.  I think I needed every extra nutrient.....  in every ounce of that bowl.  

The thing I feel the most guilty and ashamed of about yesterdays cheat is that piece of chicken sandwich I had.  It was made from bread.  I am not suppose to be having bread- PERIOD.  Even if I wasn't on this protocol, I have decided to ultimately stay away from gluten.  No gluten-  Limited Corn. Limited Rice.  So- I do,  for sure,  feel guilt about that.  My cereal was corn.  And oat.  Aaaaand banana!!

I honestly feel a zillion times better this morning, too.  This is a lesson to me.  If there is a HEALTHY food item that is creating a serious craving- I'm just going to go with it, moderately.

  I will do it- not expecting to lose as much (as fast)-  but I can't deprive my body of key nutrients either.  I'm in this protocol, fully-commited, but I'm not gonna be stupid and ignore my body.  I also realize that I am not being so great at fully consuming my veggies.  Cause like- my veggie options are a bit limited to my taste buds.  Spinach.  Celery.  Green Beans.  Cucumber.  That's it. I don't think I like anything other than those 4.

I also drank a whole-lotta water yesterday.  And herbal tea.  LOTS of herbal tea.

So- the official weigh in today??  I'm just gonna go with 200.  No loss.  I don't want to get discouraged if I wake up in the morning and find the scale is being stubborn just because I misjudged it's accuracy.

Cheater. Cheater. Peanut Butter Eater!

Like I said--- earlier today I was absolutely struggling.  Felt rough.  Bad mood.  Grumpy-Hungry-MESS!

It started with that smoothie.  That tasty, fulfilling, oh-so-not-hCG-friendly smoothie. It was as healthy as it could be- (yogurt, pineapple, peach, orange juice) and if I wasn't on this super strict protocol, I'd have given myself a pat-on-the-back for eating it (rather than a bagel or some other such high carb breakfast item)

The day continued to fall apart with exhaustion and then- a whole lot more exhaustion- and.....wimpy  snoooozing  is all I could think about.  That- and eating.  Sleep.  Eat.  Sleep.  Sleep.  I would have rather had sleep than anything!

I took an epsom salt and baking soda bath this afternoon;  and directly after that bath I was totally worthless.  I (just) barely made it to the couch where I totally fell out of awareness.  I didn't pass out- or like- go unconscience or anything- I was just 'out of it'.

In the midst of my la-la-land adventure my girls were upstairs, safe and sound, in their bedroom.  Safe and Sound?  Uh- maybe not the best choice of words.

 Our 2 year old climbed to the top bunk (monkey style with out the ladder) and I got word from our 6 year old that they couldn't get her (or her poopie diaper) down from the bed.

There was no choice.  I had to break free from my haven on the couch.  But?  I couldn't.  I had nothing to move me.  Nada.  I lay there a few more minutes.  And then I forced myself to sit up.  And then stand up.

I had to do it.  I had no choice.  I went to the fridge for an apple, and I got the peanut butter out, too.  "Mmmmmm!!!  Protein!!"  That's all I could think of.  Protein.  Protein.  Sustanance!! ( You know- since sleep wasn't an option)

I sat- on my recliner- with my sliced apples and peanut butter.  And I ate.  Ahhhh.  RELIEF!!  Thank You, GOD!  It was very soon after my yummy "pnb-cheat" that I perked up.  WE had to go to kindermusic, I had a monkey to rescue from a tree and a poopie diaper to change.  Time to move it and groove it, Mommy!!

And I did... I moved it and grooved it right along-with energy and ooomph, even!

I made it through that part of the day.  I was fine.  Phew!!

And then....I cheated again!  I had a part of a Chick-Fil-A sandwich when I grabbed my girls a bit of grub after our class.  Just a part of it.  A small part of it.  And I think I could have NOT had any of it, but I mean- I was still so painfully HUNGRY!

Here it is.  Almost 11:00.  And yep- you guessed it- I am still- SO VERY HUNGRY.  I want a banana.  Really really want a banana.  With some milk.  Protein, Potassium, and Fat.  That's what I'm hungry for right now.  Boo Hooo.  I hate being hungry.  It's depressing!

I think this hCG may not be workin for me.  I'm losing weight- sure- but HOLY MOLEY I am not feeling too swift in the process.  From everything I understand- it's not s'pose to be this hard (physically).

I still can't give up, though.  I have to stick it out.  It's what I decided to do.  I just need to figure out why the supplement isn't working right for me.... and keep the truck moving up hill.

I also realize- self sabotaging self that I am- that I may not break free from the 200 pound mark in the morning.  I don't think I'll have gained any weight- but I can't count on losing any either.   Then again- as growling as my poor belly is, I feel like I deserve to have lost SOMETHING.  


Cheaters Never Win... and Winners Never Cheat.