Back in the Saddle Again

It has been FOR-evah since I've even bothered posting on this particular blog.
Really? It's mostly cause I've been a supreme slacker in every generic area pertaining to weight loss.

I've been eating what ever it is I feel like eating.
I've been NOT working out.  Not even a little bit.

And I've gained more weight that I've wanted, but certainly not as much weight as I've deserved to gain.

Once I figure out how to change that ticker- I will- but for now I'm laying it out in total honesty (and humility) and saying that I'm now at 209.  Two-Oh-Nine.  Yuck.  Gross.  DANG!!!

I'm not back in the saddle of hCG.  I never went through with the other round.  The order fell through, and I never pursued it again.
I'm not on some diet, or diet pill, or anything like that.

I'm (gasp!!!) EXERCISING!!!


That's right.  Getting' physical!


Starting out- I'm at Taekwondo classes 3x per week.  An hour per class.
(Sore buns and achy muscles are free with membership.)

I have felt great and terrible all at the same time!!  Pain.  Really- this chick is limping around like an old lady, and more often than not, I've envisioned myself buying a cane.

After my first class- no kidding- my eyebrows hurt (along with my rump and my thighs and my abs and my toes).
It's getting.... not easier?.... um... more tolerable.... now that I'm 6 classes in.  I feel better (mentally) already!


I've learned how to suck up  'hot water only' sessions in the shower, having the water fall on my shoulders, my back, and my bootie.  It hurts, but afterwards, my muscles are soooo loose and not as achy- so I stretch, and I've found quite a bit of relief using that method.  Crazy, I know- but Mama ain't got no hot-tub, so we do what we can, with what we have......

Next up, now what I've done, but what I'm gonna be doing- I'm going back to my favoritest place EVER.  Our local YMCA.   I'll be focusing on my cardio more there- since Taekwondo has proven to work my muscle groups supremely well.  Zumba classes- I'm sooo excited about taking those.  My long-lost friend the Elyptical... can't wait to put my earbuds in and go to town with 'her'.  More so- I can't wait to give my 3 year old something to 'do' during the week while I 'do' my thing.  She gets to meet and play with new friends, I get to zone out and cardio-whip my butt into shape.  It's a totaly win-win.

So.  That's what's up over here.  I'm working out.  I'm in love and in hate with it.
And why am I doing this??  Why now? Why take (almost) a year off and then get back to it?
Oh.
Ya.
Hmmmm....
Probably cause I'm gonna hit the big 3-0 in 4 months.  And THIRTY is the "hold onto your fat" age.  It's the "you wanna lose weight?  TOOOO BAD!!!!!" age.  Once you hit 30, health and wellness doubles in difficulty.

Hear me out.  I may as well call myself 30.  My body is probably already there- in the 'hold onto it' mode.  BUT!?!  I remember a few years ago when I said (big mouth that I am) " I wanna get in the best shape possible before I'm 30..... "
Ya.  I forgot about that little proclamation.  4 months? Not a realistic time frame to get 'in the best shape EVER'.  But? It's a start, and that's where I'm at.

I'm starting.  I'm in the saddle.  I may never run the horse in a race, but BY GOLLY-JEEPERS- I'm gonna take that thang around the track!

'Bout to Get on that Wagon

I've been off the wagon.    And I feel like I've fallen off a high speed 12 horse wagon at that!

It's so gross to binge and gain weight after feeling so refreshed  and clean from NOT overeating AND losing weight.  So?  This is why I haven't been blogging any weight loss.  I haven't had any weight loss- still.  Just weight gain.  And have I mentioned how gross I feel?

HCG, as I've said before- is making it's way back into my life.  I'm patiently waiting on it to get here.  I was gonna have to wait a lot longer, but my sweet friend that ordered it for me before made another order- and I'm blessed to be able to sit in on her order this time around (again).

I am not seeking the skinny jeans.  I'm seeking RELIEF.  So... this is it.  I'm just hanging out- waiting on the arrival, and waiting on the "FUN" to begin.  I have much MUCH much more determination this go 'round.

40 days.  40.  I will complete the ENTIRE 40 days.

Do What Works

Since bowing out of my first round (with hCG in my corner)- I have been in constant turmoil over how to continue losing weight with out having to depend on ANY supplement to help me out.

As I've noted before- I tried going to a Weight Loss Clinic initially (about a year ago?) to lose some extra baggage.  It wasn't that great- taking Phentermine to reduce my appetite.  Aside from the fact that I was a jitter-bug on the medicine; I was also lethargic when I didn't take it.  The medication did NOT control my habits- it very simply made me forget that I really loved food.  If I happened to be at a place that reminded me that I was missing out on my favorite past-time- I'd partake; hungry or not.

hCG was opposite of Phentermine.  I was hungry--- MOST of the time--- and constantly reminded how much I loved food.  I very simply HAD to use self-control.  With that- I saw definite results.  Real results.   And this is the key: Doing what works.  Learning how to eat for nourishment rather than pleasure.  In a sense- I've got to retrain myself.  So- hCG isn't a miracle drug like most have said.  It's a training mechanism for those of us who were never taught how to use self-control.

I'm getting ready to place an order for a full 40 day round of hCG.  I feel the need to complete my initial goal of getting through a 40 day journey in order to truly attain ultimate self-control.  There are also a few key points I failed to realize 'last-go-round'.  A.  I was drinking carbonated beverages to try to lessen my  huger pangs and get more doses of caffeine because I was so-so-so-very tired!  They were sugar-free, but full of toxins.

 I also feel confident that I have some sort of  underlying b12 deficiency- and though while I was taking b12 with my sublingual doses of hCG, I don't feel as though it was nearly enough.  I plan to supplement with injections if my doctor will allow it.  If not- I found a really awesome supplement that my sister and I are totally hooked on.  One energy shot contains 8333% of B12 and 2000% of B6.

One of the harshest obstacles before was how totally and completely exhausted I was.  I don't wanna be so 'out of it' when I try again next month.

 I want to be thinner- and as it stands- what works for me to even get close to my goal has been hCG.

 I'm a very average lookin' gal.  Not much to look at... though unique in my appearance. I often wonder (when I notice folks staring at me)  if I look really weird to most people?  It seems as if I am self-conscience- but I'm not really so much.     I'm comfortable with myself- and I'm thankful for that.  BUT!  I want to be thinner.  

 Weird looking or not- I like myself...... and my ultimate goal is to get a little more comfortable with "me"   ;-)

Out of Order

Yikes.
I've been awful and not blogging.
Hold on while I pull out my page full of excuses.

Exhausted ME
Yucky feeling kids- ( is 1:00 AM and/or 3:00 AM the general  time that a random high fever must show up?)
Re-organization of (almost) every part of my life!
10 year marriage anniversary on the horizon.
Family concerns
 --------- apparently the remainder of my list was used to wad up a piece of chewed gum------- but you get the idea.  I could list a page full.

Mostly.  Really.  I have nothing 'weight-loss' related to talk about.
I haven't lost any weight.  Haven't gained any.  I haven't battled (much) with it.  I think I bowed out of the power-struggle between myself (the one that likes to eat) and the self that really wants to NOT be fat.  The former of myself won (for now).  Soon enough- I'll be ready to fight the good fight... and finish the race!

hCG is the WAY to go.... to get off the excess chub.  I will try it again in the spring.  It's a great option for people like me that just don't have the brain-function-ability to use self control in my day to day's efforts of losing weight.

On a sweet note- my baby sister had her first born today (tonight).  A sweet baby girl.... and I'm emotionally drained and have been experiencing physical drainage the better part of the day (2 year old.  Fever.  1 AM.  No sleep.)

I'm pretty much short staffed right now- I had a lot of brain cells call in "DEAD" today- and yesterday.  Can't focus.   Lah-tee-dah.

Another Day ONE {Loser}

"What a LOSER!"

That was my thought as I recalled how STUPID I am when it comes to unconscience food-to-mouth choices.  This morning, for example, for absolutely NO good reason at all- I ate 3 of those fried-mozzerella sticks for a brunch.  (I skipped breakfast.  Wasn't hungry.)  And- as I was signing into my blogger- wondering just 'what I'd write about' today- the thought crossed my mind to force myself to (b)Log my foods eaten through out the day.

I log onto this-here laptop about 10 to 15 times every day.  Checking the weather.  Facebook.   Checking my email.  Blogging.  Reading Blogs.  Facebook.  Google-ing questions my kids ask me.  Posting a status on Facebook (about the hilarious things my kids say)...... and so on.

My point.  I can just log in.  Log my foods.  Get accountable to the amazing  {weight} 'LOSERS' that I read every day.  I never knew how incredible a community could be!

Anyway.  Here goes DAY ONE.

Breakfast:
Coffee (with milk) 7:45 Am
Coffee (with milk) 8:30 Am
Coffee (with milk) 9:15 Am

What?!  I needed a LOT of coffee this morning!!

BLunch
3 Fried Mozzerella Sticks (I am an IDIOT!) (10:30 AM)
Roasted Red Pepper Hummus w/ pretzel crisp (11:00 AM)
*could I please get away from the wheat sometime soon?  seriously!*


Ya.  Writing this stuff down rocks.  I can totally see where my food choices are.

Oh!!  P.S.  Say hello to T.O.M.  Dark Chocolate will likely be on the menu at some point today.  I also really need to incorporate a few gallons of water to wash away some of this bloating.

I've been neglecting my water bottle lately.  I sure would like to NOT do that anymore.  Water is so important.  I know this.  (You know this!)

It's like Paul said:  "I DO the things I DO NOT want to do.... and I DO NOT do the things I DO WANT to do!"

Uncertain Movement

Really.  It's been up and down for the past few days.  The scale.  My thoughts.  My goals?  What's GOING ON?!?!

(Knock. Knock.  T.O.M???  Is that you?  You might be a little early.... could you come back NEVER.  I hate you the most.  You're evil.  Go away!)

I should have just kept pressing on.  I should have gone the full course and pushed through the challenge I was facing when I quit the hCG.  I wasn't yet recovered from my food addiction.  I  need another detox.  I need another session of "Hello, My name is....... and I'm an addict."  I need that podium to stand on and admit my addiction.  I need the floor, please.

Ahem.

"Hello.  My name is Amber.  And I am addicted to food."

"When I eat, it's a painful awareness that I may  not be able to stop myself."

"Not having  a guideline and a plan takes me to an out of control place.  I am overwhelmed with options.  I over indulge.  And then.  I have guilt."

"I want to quit.  I want to stake claim to my once-before-announced goal to NEVER again eat wheat.  (I always feel lethargic and gross after eating it.)  And staying away from sugar. (I can't control myself- it's best to stay away all together)

"Without  a guideline.  A lifetime guideline, that is.  With out it- I am setting myself up for failure."

"Eat when your hungry.  Stop when your satisied."  It's the Weigh Down way.  But I find fear and nervousness rising up when I attempt this.  "Wait?!  Am I satisfied?  Am I hungry???"  The truth is- I have no idea!

hCG gave me a hope- in a sense- to overcome my addiction to food.  I failed myself when I gave up half way through it.  I KNEW better!!!!   I really did.  I comprehended that THIS WAS my 'road to recovery'.  It was.  I was almost finished being addicted to food.  And I gave it all up.

What do people do when they drop out of their Addicts Anonymous class?  How do they start over again!?!

Dirty Rotten Stinkin CHUB

I had to FORCE myself to change my ticker.  From 196.6..... back to 199.  Oh! THE PAIN!

Yesterday I had a Jay Robb protein shake.  I sat at Chick Fil A for 2 hours (thanks CFA for your WiFi).... and I ate NOTHING.  I drank 3 cups of coffee- but?- I avoided the waffle fries.  I said No Thanks to the Grilled Chicken sandwich.  I didn't even order a salad- because I knew I'd just have to drench the salad in ceasar dressing.  Mmmmm.  Ceasar!!

 Success!  Yay!

I came home and ate an apple.
 
For dinner- I cooked fajita steak, peppers, onions, and pico de gillo.  It was scrumptious!  (I added pepper-jack cheese: doing the low carb deal- but it was still FAT)
And later for a snack, I had a ham and cheese-wich.  Ham. Rolled up in mozzerella.  Eaten like a sandwich.  Pretty good.  But?  Too much fat.

Sigh!

2.4 pounds GAINED in the past 3 days.

So far today- I've had coffee.  And water.  And an apple.  With peanut butter.

I am going to STOMP the fat right outta my belly DANG-it!

I have a friend currently focusing on the Weigh Down Diet.  I am awesomely excited that on my bookshelf, I too have the book that could help me battle the scale a bit more efficiently.

I talked to my husband last night about maybe investing in the Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet .  He said "NO!"  He continued with the thought that if I were to want to do a 'diet' I should do one that is FREE.    I should also add that the day I told him I was putting the hCG on the back burner- he looked frustrated!  "You don't want to gain all the weight you lost back!!!!!!"  (it was more that he was frustrated to see my hard work get lost than the idea of me gaining weight)

I mean?  The hCG cost me almost nothing.  Through the avenues I was able to use to attain the hCG, it cost me a MERE 20 bucks every 2 weeks.   Less than what I've had spent going out to eat in a 2 week period,   THAT's FOR SURE!

The Cookie Diet?  HA!  It cost $60+ a WEEK!!!!!   Diet pills?  After the initial $200 fee, it cost $89 a month.  PLUS- phentermine makes me way too hyped up- I can't do that again.

Knowing myself- I know I need a system.  THAT is one of the reasons hCG worked so well.  I had to eat ONLY specific amounts of food.  ONLY a certain kind of food.  I think I may have compared it once or twice to a prison sentence.

At this point- I'm doing low carb.  I'm gonna read the Weigh Down diet book.  I'm gonna drink my protein shakes and start getting to the gym.  Like I said before- I'm so excited to get to work out.  I'm excited to see my muscles pop back into my arms and legs.  Going to the gym is satisfying in a grueling sort of way.  I felt great during the time  period that I was busting-it doing 2 hour sessions of gym-time.  I hurt.  I was tired.  I had to peel myself out of the house to get to the gym... but it was very satisfying.  Very.